Topsy-Turvy Thursday
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: This is a sequel of sorts to my story "Wacky Wednesday," where Jervis Tetch again accidentally changes the fabric of reality by experimenting with alien technology, and ends up swapping the bodies of two of the Gotham City Sirens, with hopefully hilarious results ;-)
1. Chapter 1

**Topsy-Turvy Thursday**

It was about three o'clock in the morning when there was a knock on Jervis Tetch's door.

"Come in," said Tetch, as he leaned back from what he had been examining, rubbing his eyes.

"I saw your light on - why are you still awake?" asked his roommate, Jonathan Crane, as he opened the door.

"I could ask you the same question," replied Tetch.

"In my case, it's because I tend to work best at night," replied Crane. "I always have – I find darkness stirs the imagination and focuses the mind. Plus it distracts me from lying in bed awake all night reviewing the failures of my life in an endless spiral. But you're never up this late."

"I've been working," replied Tetch, holding up the device he had been examining. "And this particular work needs constant attention – there's no time for sleep."

"You're really meddling with that again?" demanded Crane.

"Why not? It has limitless potential – I'd be a fool not to try to tap into it," replied Tetch.

"Don't you remember what happened last time?" asked Crane. "You spilled tea onto it and changed the fabric of reality. You made the Joker and Bruce Wayne switch bodies for the day."

"Yes, I remember," retorted Tetch. "And I also remember that I managed to restore them to their correct bodies eventually, so all's well that ends well."

"I'm merely pointing out how dangerous a device it is," said Crane. "If the fabric of the universe were in my hands, I would not treat it so carelessly. But who knew reality was so malleable anyway?"

"Oh, I always did," said Tetch, shrugging. "What is reality and what is fantasy, after all? Are we all nothing but figures in the Red King's dream, as Tweedledee asked of Alice? But there was no harm done in the end from my temporary shifting of reality."

"I imagine Bruce Wayne was scarred for life," said Crane. "Not to mention poor Harley."

"I imagine it did her good – at least she didn't have to put up with the Joker for one day," said Tetch.

"Yes, I suppose she could actually see how other men can behave toward her, and how they're not all psychotic abusers," muttered Crane. "Of course I wouldn't call Bruce Wayne a suitable man for her – that flighty, uncommitted playboy is almost as bad as the Joker."

"Perhaps that's why the universe decided to swap their bodies," said Tetch. "Perhaps it thought they were similar enough that nobody would notice."

"You don't think it was just random chance?" asked Crane. "You don't think there's some higher power controlling the universe, do you?"

"My dear Jonathan, I'm far too intelligent to dismiss any possibility out of hand," replied Tetch. "Perhaps there is some all-powerful god who creates these situations just for fun. He, or she, I suppose, might like to entertain him or herself by causing trouble and creating conflicts, or awkward situations, just to see how we respond. Perhaps God is an author just trying to write an interesting story using an infinite number of scenarios."

"Well, I think he or she must have a sick sense of humor, to make others suffer for entertainment," muttered Crane. "That makes it sound like God is someone like the Joker, and that's the most terrifying thought I've had in a long time."

"Indeed," agreed Tetch, nodding.

"Well, as long as you're up, I'm making tea," said Crane. "You should come have a cup."

"That sounds delightful," said Tetch. "But I can't be distracted from the device for too long – it's highly unstable and must be constantly monitored."

"It also sounds like the Joker," commented Crane, as they headed into the kitchen with Tetch carrying the device. "Did I tell you, he sabotaged my latest fear gas attack? He released his Joker toxin simultaneously, so rather than hundreds of people dying screaming in terror, they died halfway in between utter terror and hysterical laughter, which resulted in a fairly neutral expression. It completely ruined the effect I was hoping for, while of course he found it unbelievably funny how angry I was about it. I almost wish you could swap his body again, only this time leave the real him lost forever, and replace him in his body with someone like…oh, I don't know…"

"You?" suggested Tetch, as he put down the device on the counter and put on the kettle. "And then hope Harley doesn't realize until after you've performed intercourse?"

"I would never do something so underhanded and ungentlemanly!" snapped Crane. "The very idea that you think I would think such a thing – how dare you?" They were silent as the kettle boiled. "But just hypothetically…do you believe you can control whose bodies get swapped?" he asked at last.

"First of all, I'm not swapping you and Joker," snapped Tetch, as he poured the contents of the kettle into the teapot. "Because I don't want to be stuck with him as a roommate, for one – that would be an absolute nightmare, like the Odd Couple but with more homicide. And because I honestly don't know how to control it, or even how I did it last time. It was a complete fluke, and flukes cannot be repeated by definition, because there are no parameters with which to repeat the experiment."

"But you managed to fix it last time, which means you must have some understanding of the process," replied Crane.

"The answer is an emphatic no, Jonathan," retorted Tetch. "Some fabrics of the universe should not be tampered with, lest we lose all grip on this particular reality. And I'm hanging in there by a thread as it is, and frankly, with these Harley fantasies, so are you."

"Fine," sniffed Crane. "I won't ask you hypothetical questions again."

"Thank you," said Tetch. "Such things are never innocent – if the Lewis Carroll novels have taught me one thing, it's that nothing means what it should, and everything means something it shouldn't. Which is the definition of nonsense, and by extension, life."

He lifted the teapot and tipped it to pour its contents into the cups waiting on the counter below. But as he did so, a dollop of tea splashed out from the bottom of the cup, shot into the air, and landed with a fizzle on the device.

There was a loud popping sound and the room seemed to shake briefly as Crane and Tetch stared at the device in horror.

"Are you still you?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"Yes," said Crane. "You?"

"Yes," said Tetch, nodding. "Well then, I wonder who it's switched this time. Should we call Joker just to make sure?"

"At 3 AM?" asked Crane. "He'd murder us for waking him up. I'm sure we'll hear about it tomorrow if anything happened."

"Perhaps you're right, though," said Tetch, slowly. "Perhaps God does have the Joker's twisted sense of humor. Why else would this happen again?"

"Maybe God is out of ideas," retorted Crane. "Isn't that normally why sequels and reboots exist?"

"Or maybe he or she just thinks this is a funny premise that hasn't reached its full potential for entertainment yet," said Tetch. "But I certainly don't. What sort of sick, disgusting, mentally disturbed person is entertained by people swapping bodies?"


	2. Chapter 2

Poison Ivy awoke the next day to an unpleasant yet familiar voice murmuring in her ear, "Baby, I got some good news. Daddy's lollipop is nice and hard and just waiting for his baby girl to have a lick so he can dunk the clown into her yummy pie and cream it all over."

"What the actual fu…" began Ivy, rolling over, but her expletive was cut off by her intense and repeated screaming at the scene before her, which was the Joker lying next to her in bed, completely naked.

"Oh my God, I saw it!" shrieked Ivy, leaping out of bed and over to the other side of the room and covering her eyes with her hands. "I never wanted to see it, but now I've seen it, and it touched me, and I need a thousand showers and I will still never feel clean! I can burn my eyes out, but that still won't erase it from my mind, oh God, oh God, oh God!" she cried, desperately rubbing her skin to try to clean it.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Joker, looking offended and confused. "Is this a game where you pretend you don't like me, for some reason?"

"You think I'm pretending?!" roared Ivy. "Don't you know me at all?! I loathe you – I always have! So how in the hell could this have happened?!" she cried, realizing that she too was naked and figuring that could only mean one thing.

"It's a natural thing that happens to guys in the mornings sometimes, ok?!" snapped Joker, covering himself with the blanket. "It's not because of you, so don't flatter yourself, you ungrateful broad! You of all people know how rare this is, so don't blame me that you're too stupid to take advantage of it!"

"Why would I want to take advantage of it?!" shrieked Ivy. "You disgust me, you horrible creep! The only way this could have happened is if I was drugged, or mind-controlled, or forced somehow…" she said, desperately floundering around for some sort of explanation.

Joker smiled suddenly. "Oh, so that's the game," he murmured. "I get it. You want me to force you, you naughty girl. This is why you're pretending to be disgusted with me – this is some fun new roleplay you wanna try, where the bad supercriminal makes the innocent young doctor do some dirty things against her will…"

"Oh my God, you really are sick!" exclaimed Ivy. "You come near me and I will rip off your manhood!"

"I bet you will, Doc, you dirty little minx," murmured Joker, approaching her and licking his lips. But he was cut off as he was kicked sharply and forcefully in the groin.

"Ow!" he shouted. "Jesus, you know I enjoy a little pain, but tone it down a little, huh, Harl?! Or those kids you've always wanted are never happening!"

"I have never wanted kids, especially not with you…" began Ivy, but she paused realizing what he had said suddenly. "Wait, Harl?" she repeated.

"Oh, sorry, Dr. Quinzel," he said, nodding. "Didn't mean to break the fantasy there. You may not want to violate your professional ethics, Doc, but I think you're gonna enjoy it as much as your patient is gonna enjoy violating you…"

"Joker, I'm not Harley!" shouted Ivy.

"No, you're Dr. Quinzel – we're gonna keep it formal for now, but we're about to get much more intimate…" agreed Joker.

"I'm Poison Ivy!" interrupted Ivy.

Joker stared at her in confusion. "Why would you wanna roleplay as that dried up old weed, Harley? I mean, I guess I would have to force her in order for anything to happen between us, but I feel bad for you, having to pretend to be that unpleasant and unlovable…"

"I'm not roleplaying, you idiot!" shouted Ivy. "I'm actually Poison Ivy!" She noticed her reflection in the mirror suddenly, and saw Harley staring back at her. "I've somehow been…put in Harley's body," she said, staring at herself in puzzlement. "Which feels really weird…and really disgusting when I think that you've been all over this," she said, trying to rub her flesh clean some more.

Joker continued to stare at her, and then slowly smiled. "Oh, I know what this is," he said, nodding. "The Hat Nerd has been messing with the universe again."

"Again?!" repeated Ivy. "This has happened before?!"

"Yeah, me and Bruce Wayne switched bodies for the day," said Joker. "It was kinda fun, but he's not much of a man compared to me, if you get what I'm saying. Well, you've seen it now, so you know," he said, nodding at her.

"Oh God, don't remind me," whispered Ivy, shutting her eyes again.

"Still, I managed to cause a little chaos at Wayne Manor and Wayne Enterprises, so it was a good day, all in all," continued Joker. "But it looks like Tetchy didn't learn his lesson about messing with that kinda technology, and has switched you and Harley into each other's bodies."

His smile broadened. "Oh yeah, this is going to be fun! You're right, toots, I have been all over that body," he said, his voice lowering as he grinned at her. "You should feel absolutely filthy, because I have been everywhere. Everywhere," he repeated, pointedly.

"Making me uncomfortable and horrified is really turning you on, isn't it?" snapped Ivy, as she grabbed a blanket to cover herself.

"You don't need to cover up – I've seen it all before, many times," replied Joker, smiling at her.

"Yeah, but I don't want to feel you leering at me, you sick creep," snapped Ivy. "How the hell do we fix this? I wanna be back in my own body ASAP!"

"We'd have to go see the nerds," said Joker. "Tetchy managed to fix it last time, but of course that could have been a fluke. Wouldn't it be hilarious if you were trapped in Harley's body permanently, having to endure everything I do to her? I'm not sure if the sex or the casual abuse would horrify you more!" he chuckled. "Of course those frequently coincide…"

"Ok, first of all, if I am trapped in her body permanently, we're breaking up permanently," snapped Ivy.

"That's fine – I'll just have to date Harley in your body then," said Joker, nodding. "And send you videos of the two of us together, although I know you'll be imagining it every night…"

"Oh God, shut up!" roared Ivy, shutting her eyes. "I did not want that image in addition to the horrific one of you naked! And I'm gonna forbid Harley to use my body that way – I'll kill her and it first!"

"Do you think Harley has your little plant powers now?" asked Joker. "You don't have them, do you?"

Ivy stared at him, realizing he was right. Her normal connection with plants was severed – she couldn't sense a line of communication between herself and them anymore. It was the most horrifying aspect of the transformation yet, and that was saying something. But to Ivy, who had been attuned to plants for so long, it felt like she was missing a limb.

"No, I…I don't," she stammered. "Get dressed," she snapped, suddenly resolute. "We are going to see Tetch now, hopefully before Harley wakes up and can do any damage in my body! She doesn't know how to control the plants, and the very idea that she can might overwhelm her! It'll be total chaos!"

"Oooh, chaos, sounds like fun!" commented Joker, beaming. "I just hope Harley doesn't have to wake up next to a plant paramour!" he chuckled.

"I don't sleep with plants, you sick freak!" snapped Ivy.

"You're telling me you weren't with someone last night?" asked Joker. "Because that would probably be a first."

"Yeah, but he wasn't a plant!" snapped Ivy. "He was…" She trailed off at the realization. "Oh my God, he's not gonna cope well with this," she muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn awoke sleepily, shutting her eyes again and rolling over to embrace the figure on the bed next to her. "Good morning, handsome," she purred.

"Uh…good morning," said the man in bed next to her, clearly surprised by the affection. And Harley's eyes snapped open as she realized that voice wasn't Mr. J's.

"Oh my God, who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bed?!" she shrieked, leaping away from him and screaming when she saw who it was as he rolled over to face her.

"I'm sorry," said Two-Face, backing away from her, hastily. "There's no need to scream – I get it, it's a mistake again, so I'll just go…"

"Harvey…what on earth…" began Harley, staring at him in horror. "Why would we…we ain't…you ain't ever been attracted to me, have you?"

"Uh…yeah…we used to date, Pam," said Two-Face, staring at her. "Is everything ok? Are you feeling alright?"

"Pam?" repeated Harley. "I ain't Pam, I'm…"

But she trailed off when she noticed that her skin was green. And she suddenly felt a strange sensation flowing through her body, like another sense seeming to come from the air around her, which buzzed with strange whispers. This only added to her confusion, but in between that was the realization that somehow she and Ivy had switched bodies, probably due to Tetch's meddling again.

"Aw, geez, you couldn't leave well enough alone, could ya?" she muttered, pulling up the blankets to cover herself.

"I'm sorry," repeated Two-Face, climbing out of bed. "I'm sorry – I should have left you alone, but you actually called me, and the coin said…"

"No, no, Harvey, I ain't talking about you," interrupted Harley. "You don't have to rush outta here, but this is gonna be…a little difficult to explain."

She cleared her throat. "I'm…actually Harley. Red and I have switched bodies temporarily, probably because of Jervis – he was the guy who caused it last time, when Mr. J and Bruce Wayne switched bodies."

"Oh…yeah…Bruce told me about that," said Two-Face, slowly. "Said it was tied with his parents' death for the worst day of his life."

"He should be so lucky to have half an attractive a body as Mr. J," sniffed Harley.

"I guess you really must be Harley – I can't see Ivy actually complimenting anything about the Joker," said Two-Face.

"Yeah, she's gonna be furious when she wakes up next to him," said Harley, nodding. "Mr. J probably won't be in a frisky mood though – he rarely is in the mornings, or at any other time. Which is lucky for her, because if she saw him naked, she'd obviously want him, and then I'd have to kill her," she added, seriously.

"Uh…ok," said Two-Face, slowly. "Um…anyway, this is kinda weird, so I'm just gonna go get dressed and leave…"

"No, Harvey, I feel bad for giving you such a rude awakening," said Harley. "Let me make you breakfast, how about that? It'll be just like Red never left."

"Actually, she doesn't usually make me breakfast," said Two-Face, slowly. "She usually just tells me to go, that this was a mistake, and that I should remind her of the mistake the next time she calls me. Which I always do, but then she always tells me to forget she said that."

"Geez, you guys got kinda a turbulent relationship, huh?" asked Harley. "That's kinda sad – it must be hard not having the security of a normal, stable relationship."

"Well, you would know," said Two-Face, nodding.

"Yeah, I would," agreed Harley. "Me and Mr. J are just rock solid. It's true love, and it'll last forever."

"Uh…huh," said Two-Face, slowly. "I actually meant…never mind," he finished. "Anyway, I don't wanna put you through all the trouble of cooking, Harley…"

"It's no trouble," said Harley, reaching for the robe on the floor. "I make breakfast for Mr. J all the time. And like I said, it just seems fair after the fright I gave you. Trust me, I've been there when Bruce Wayne was in Mr. J's body – it was awful. I mean, I know Bruce is your friend, Harvey, but he's kinda a grump. Reminds me of Batman a lot."

"I think that was probably just because he woke up in the Joker's body," said Two-Face. "I know you're a fan, Harley, but not a lotta guys probably want to suddenly find themselves as notorious, wanted supercriminals with permanent skin conditions. I know I didn't," he muttered, reaching for his clothes.

"Yeah, but you're a lot better now, Harv," said Harley, nodding. "The exterior of a person doesn't really matter – it's what's inside that counts. Except when you've switched bodies with someone, because then your interior isn't what it should be and neither is your exterior, and it just messes everything up. It feels really weird to be in a body that isn't your body…"

As she stood up, she suddenly lost her balance and faltered. "Are you ok?" asked Two-Face, rushing over to her.

"Yeah, just a little off-balance," she said. "Red's a little top heavy compared to me. And I feel slightly disoriented…" she said, putting her hand to her head and looking around. "Is it just me, or do you hear a lotta whispering?"

"Uh…no," said Two-Face, concerned.

"It must be Red's plants trying to communicate, but I don't really understand what they're saying," said Harley, shutting her eyes. "It's just a lotta noise. And it's really distracting…giving me kinda a headache…"

She shook her head. "Focus, Harley," she said. "And let's get that breakfast started."

"Harley, really, we should probably get you to Tetch so he can fix this as soon as possible…" began Two-Face.

"And miss the most important meal of the day?" asked Harley, as she headed into the kitchen. "Not on your life! You won't have the energy to face the day without it. Now let's see what Red's got," she said, opening the cupboards hoping to find some chocolatey cereal or other sugary breakfast item. She was dismayed to see nothing of the sort – sugar being a kind of plant, Ivy tended to refrain from consuming it. There was bacon and eggs in the fridge, however, so Harley shrugged, taking those out and reaching for a frying pan.

"You know I didn't grow up eating bacon, but I've really got a taste for it now," she said, continuing to chat cheerfully as she cooked. "I was raised Jewish, but I've lapsed in that and pretty much every other aspect, but don't tell my parents!" she laughed. "You remember my parents? They came to Arkham once…"

"Yeah, nice couple," said Two-Face, who was eyeing the plants circling the table suspiciously. "Uh…Harley, can you do something about these things?" he asked.

"I can try," said Harley, turning to face them. "Shoo," she said, waving her hand at them. "Go away. Leave Harvey alone."

It seemed to work, for the plants slithered off. "See, this ain't so hard," said Harley, piling the bacon and eggs onto a plate. "Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, lapsed Jewishness and my folks. They're visiting soon – on the 18th, which is next Thursday…"

"No, it's…" began Two-Face, but Harley put the plate down in front of him, interrupting him with, "Now you eat up, and I'll see if I can find any coffee. Although I doubt it, what with Red and her not eating plants thing and all. Personally, I don't know how she copes without coffee..."

"Harley, it's…" began Two-Face.

"Good?" suggested Harley, beaming at him. "You like it? I should have asked how you like your eggs, but I just cooked 'em the same way I cook 'em for Mr. J – I hope that's ok."

"With shells in them?" muttered Two-Face, under his breath.

"What?" asked Harley, who hadn't heard.

"Nothing, it's…great, Harley," lied Two-Face, looking around for somewhere to stash the undercooked bacon and shell-filled eggs. "You…uh…say you make breakfast for J a lot?"

"Yeah, he doesn't always eat all of it, though," said Harley, as she continued to comb through the cupboards. "Says he doesn't get that hungry in the mornings, but I just think it's important he's fed. Can't start the day on an empty stomach."

"No," agreed Two-Face, silently planning where he was going to get breakfast later. "Um…Harley…what I was trying to say earlier was…the 18th…"

"When my folks are visiting, yeah," said Harley, nodding as she pulled out a blender, wondering if she could go get some coffee beans and grind them herself.

"That's…uh…today," said Two-Face, slowly.

Harley stared at him. Then she laughed. "No, it ain't – it's next Thursday, Harvey."

"It's today," repeated Two-Face, taking out his phone and showing her the date. "See?"

Harley stared at the screen for a moment, and then she dropped the blender, which shattered on the ground, and let out a scream. All the plants in the house instantly burst into the room, surrounding her and buzzing in concern in Harley's head, which only made her scream louder.

"Call…call Red," she stammered, clapping her hands to her head to try and drown the plants out. "And call Jervis and say I need to be switched back now – it's an emergency! My folks can't see Red in my body – she won't be able to pretend to be in love with Mr. J, and if my parents see how much they hate each other, they're gonna think we ain't happy together anymore! After I've spent months trying to convince them that we are happy, and that all that crap written in the papers about abuse is just a load of nonsense – now they're gonna think I've suddenly turned all sensible and turned my back on my mad love!"

"And that would be…a bad thing?" asked Two-Face, slowly. "I mean, it's kinda a toxic relationship, Harley…"

"Oh, don't talk to me about toxic relationships when you're with a woman called Poison Ivy!" snapped Harley. "See, this is the kinda crap I get from people who just can't mind their own business, and one of those people are my parents! It'll be a total disaster if they visit with Red still in my body! So let's get this cleaned up right now!"

The plants instantly began cleaning the house, tidying up the breakfast dishes and washing them, and sweeping away the remains of the blender. "Yeah, that's not what I meant, but ok," said Harley, nodding. "It's kinda nice to be able to order things around that obey your every whim. I can see why Mr. J likes it. Now let's call him and get this all straightened out before any more damage can be done!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Would you stop looking at me?" snapped Ivy, as she tried to concentrate on the road on the drive over to Tetch's.

"I can look wherever I damn well please," retorted Joker. "You can't control my eyes."

"I told you, I don't want you leering at me," muttered Ivy. "It doesn't help that everything Harley owns is skintight and revealing – would it kill her to just have lounge pants and a sweater?"

"That's the way I want her dressed," said Joker, nodding. "Just sexy enough so you get a hint, but covered enough to say, 'Sorry, pal, you ain't getting this - there's only one guy banging that.'"

"Charming," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe you control how she dresses."

"I don't – that was her idea," retorted Joker. "I just agree. Daddy likes a little eye candy when he's out and about."

"Please don't ever mention candy again after this morning," muttered Ivy. "Or Daddy. It's just disgusting."

"Seems to me you're the one with Daddy issues, Pammie – I'm guessing that's where your whole hatred of men is actually rooted," said Joker. "What happened? Did Daddy walk out on Mommy when little Pammie was just a baby?"

"I never knew my father, if that's what you mean," snapped Ivy. "Which means he was an irresponsible, unreliable creep, like all men."

"You mean you don't remember him at all?" asked Joker. "Have you ever seen a picture of him? Or attempted to contact him at all?"

"No," retorted Ivy. "My Mom obviously didn't want reminders of him around. And why would I want to contact a jerk who walked out on us? To ask him why he did it? I know why he did it, because he's a man, and all men are scum."

"So your whole thing with Jason Woodrue was because of these Daddy issues," said Joker, nodding. "You craved that kind of stable, older, father figure in your life, which is why you were willing to do anything for him."

"What are you, a shrink?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, I do listen to Harley sometimes," said Joker, shrugging.

"Speaking of someone with Daddy issues," muttered Ivy.

"Well, yeah, have you ever met her father?" asked Joker. "He's a completely humorless, boring, serious, no-nonsense kinda guy. The exact opposite of me, so there goes your theory. But I think I'm dead on with mine. If I were you, Pammie, I'd look into this father thing. Not only to resolve your obvious psychological issues with men, but also so you don't accidentally end up dating him or something. I mean, if you have no idea who he is, he could be anyone. He could even be one of our fellow lunatics, as long as he's old enough, maybe even Tetchy or Craney, although if either of them has ever gotten laid, I'm Batman."

His eyes widened suddenly as his face split into a huge smile. "He could even be me!" he exclaimed, beaming at her. "I don't remember much about my past, after all – it's entirely possible I could have fathered a child at some point."

"You're not my father," snapped Ivy.

"How do you know?" asked Joker.

"Because we look nothing alike, for one thing!" snapped Ivy.

"We both have green eyes," pointed out Joker.

"So do millions of people!" snapped Ivy.

"Oooh, this is a remotely possible situation, and it's really going to bother you, isn't it?" chuckled Joker.

"Ok, first of all, you're not my father, and second of all, even if there was the slightest possibility you could be, of course it would bother me!" snapped Ivy. "Bothering me would be an understatement! For one thing, this whole day would have suddenly become much, much creepier than it was in the first place, and that's saying something!"

"Yeah, you'd be my daughter in the body of my girlfriend, who already refers to me as Daddy," said Joker, nodding. "Talk about your Freudian scenarios, am I right?"

"Let's not," retorted Ivy, as she pulled the car up in front of Crane and Tetch's apartment. "In fact, let's not allude to this conversation ever again – while Tetch is switching me back to my own body, I'll get him to perform a memory wipe on me to erase this whole day. I'm looking forward to that already," she sighed.

Ivy knocked on the door to the apartment, which was opened a few moments later by Jonathan Crane. "Harley, my dear, what a very pleasant surprise…" he began.

"Save it, Johnny, I ain't your pathetic, obsessive crush," snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way as she strode into the room. "Where's the Hat freak?"

"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Crane, staring at her. "I do not have an obsessive crush…"

"On Harley? Yeah, you do," said Joker, following Ivy inside. "But that ain't Harley. That's Pammie in Harley's body."

"I had almost figured that out for myself by her rudeness," sniffed Crane. "To answer your question, Jervis is still asleep, but I shall wake him up immediately. We expected a visit like this after the tea spill last night…"

"Maybe you shouldn't be having tea around dangerous, reality-altering equipment!" snapped Ivy. "I thought you were meant to be geniuses, but you're as dumb as the rest of the male species, obviously!"

"Pammie's just a little cranky because I've discovered she doesn't know who her father is, and suggested it might be me," said Joker. "Or you, I guess. Did you sleep with a woman about 30 years ago, Craney? Or any woman at all ever?"

"That is none of your business," retorted Crane. "Suffice it to say there is absolutely no possibility that I could be her father."

"Well, that's a relief anyway," snapped Ivy. "I was about to seriously question my mother's taste in men. My eyes are up here, Johnny," she added, as she noticed him staring at her.

"They're not your eyes – they're Harley's eyes," retorted Crane. "And frankly, I'm not used to seeing them looking so hostile."

"Then you better wake your buddy up and fix this right now!" snapped Ivy. "Or it's gonna get a lot worse, and when I get my plant powers back, I'm gonna strangle you with a vine of thorns!"

While Crane hurried off, Joker's phone rang. "Oooh, it's you, Pammie!" he chuckled, answering it. "Hello, pumpkin pie! Yes, I know it's you, Harley. You need to slow down, baby - I mean, I know it's probably terrible being in Pammie's body considering the long, long list of people and plants she's been with, but there's no need to panic…"

"Give me that!" snapped Ivy, seizing the phone from him. "Harley…"

"Red, shut up and listen, it's an emergency!" interrupted Harley. "Harvey and me are driving over right now, but you tell Jervis that this swap back needs to happen ASAP!"

"Believe me, I want that as much as you," said Ivy, nodding. "Crane's just gone to wake Jervis up – if he's fixed this before, it shouldn't take him long to sort it out this time."

"Good. Me and Mr. J need to be back at our place in less than an hour – that's when my parents are arriving," said Harley. "And I doubt you wanna pretend to be me in front of them, unless you're prepared to act real fond of Mr. J."

"Your parents are visiting today?" demanded Ivy. "Talk about your poor timing!"

"Yeah, it's like God or the universe or whatever has caused this stupid body switch to happen on just this day for comedic value," sighed Harley. "Comedic value for them, of course, not for me. It's always funny to laugh at other people's pain and misfortune, but not so much when the joke's on you. I tell ya, if there is a God, they've got a wicked sense of humor, just like Mr. J."

"Don't say things like that – I've already had a disturbing enough day," muttered Ivy. "If you think I hated J before, you've no idea how much that's increased since I've been in your body."

"Aw, I'm sure he missed being woken up with Harley cuddles and kisses," sighed Harley.

"Well, I definitely didn't want to be woken up by him naked, that's for sure," said Ivy. "And I really, really never wanted to see his lollipop, as he called it…"

"It has a name, you know!" snapped Joker.

"Wait, Mr. J woke up…in the mood for playtime?" stammered Harley.

"Yes, but don't worry, Harley, nothing happened," retorted Ivy.

"Mr. J woke up in the mood for playtime…and you didn't wanna take advantage of it?" stammered Harley, in disbelief.

"God, no!" snapped Ivy. "He's disgusting!"

"I dunno, Red – there must be something really wrong with you if you don't think Mr. J in all his glory is completely irresistible," sighed Harley. "If that's true, I ain't the freak here. But now I'm really, really pissed off at the universe for making me miss that this morning."

"Speaking of freaks, I hope Harvey didn't scare you too much," said Ivy.

"Nah, I think I scared him more by screaming at him," said Harley. "Believe me, there are probably lots of other worse guys I could have woken up next to."

"What are you saying about my taste in men?" demanded Ivy.

"At least it wasn't a plant, right, kiddo?" chuckled Joker, which resulted in him being elbowed by Ivy. "Now that's no way to treat your potential father, young lady!" he giggled.

"I said shut up!" shrieked Ivy, punching him in the face.

"What's all the yelling about?" asked Harley.

"I'll tell you when you get here, Harley – gotta go now, see you soon, bye," said Ivy, hanging up before Joker could open his mouth again.

"You don't think Harley would be glad if I was your father?" said Joker, grinning at Ivy. "We could all be one big, happy family!"

"I think she'd hate me forever as a reminder that you might have slept with other women before her," retorted Ivy. "But you're not my goddamn father, for the last time!"

"If I am, I'm totally revealing it the way Darth Vader did to me," said Joker, nodding. "Although this time I get to say the 'I am your father' line, and you're the one who gets to scream, 'Noooooooooo!'…"

"Joker and…Poison Ivy, so I hear," said Jervis Tetch, entering the room in his dressing gown with Crane following him. "Good morning."

He was immediately punched in the face by Ivy. "You idiot!" she shrieked. "Do you have any idea what you've done?! Do you have any idea of what I had to suffer through this morning because of your stupid meddling?! And you dare to say 'good morning' to me?!"

"I'm…dreadfully sorry," stammered Tetch, cupping his bleeding nose. "It was a complete accident, I assure you…"

"Your apology doesn't help, and is not accepted," snapped Ivy. "Just get everything ready to change us back immediately – Harley's on her way."

Tetch rubbed his eyes. "I can't possibly work without my tea first thing in the morning…" he began.

"I'll make your goddamn tea choke you from the inside once I get my plant powers back, unless you get started on this right now!" interrupted Ivy.

"I'll go put on some tea, Jervis," said Crane, heading towards the kitchen. "I can't bear to hear rage and threats coming from that imposter in Harley's body."

"It's probably turning you on a little though, right?" asked Joker, grinning. "I know that's the effect it has on me. One of my favorite moods for Harley is forceful and feisty and homicidal…"

"I told you to stop looking at me, you bastard!" screamed Ivy, punching him again. "And you too, Crane! You, get to work right now!" she snapped, grabbing Tetch by his hair and shoving him into his laboratory. "Anyone else wanna be a pain for me today?" she demanded, looking around.

"Pamela Lillian Isley, that's really no way for you to talk to your father…" began Joker, but he was cut off as Ivy grabbed a thick book off a shelf and slammed him across the face with it, knocking Joker unconscious.

"You wanna be next?!" she demanded, holding the book up at Crane.

"I'm just...going to go make tea," stammered Crane, hurrying off. Ivy slowly lowered the book, seething in fury.

"He's probably gonna have a headache when he wakes up, which he deserves," she muttered to herself. "Might be awkward for Harley to explain why he has a black eye when her parents arrive though. Of course she can always blame Batman."


	5. Chapter 5

"I think you broke my nose," muttered Joker, once he had regained consciousness. Then he beamed. "Good arm, slugger!" he said, slapping Ivy on the back. "You've done your Daddy proud!"

"I think she also broke my nose," said Tetch, entering the room from his laboratory still cupping his nose.

"I'll break it again unless you have good news!" snapped Ivy.

Tetch opened his mouth to respond when they heard a car pull up outside. "That'll be Harley," said Ivy, rushing to the door. She froze when she saw herself racing into the room, followed by Two-Face.

"Wow, it's super weird to see yourself from outside yourself," she commented. "Also, what the hell are you wearing, Harley? It looks terrible on me! Don't you know how to dress for my body type?"

"I could ask you the same question," retorted Harley. "Don't you know how Mr. J likes me dressed?"

"You know, he told me, but I don't let men tell me what to wear," snapped Ivy. "Or you – that thing's so tight it makes me look bulgy and fat!"

"I'm the one who looks fat in whatever the hell you're wearing!" retorted Harley. "It's so bulky and shapeless!"

"Ladies, is clothing really the most important issue at the moment?" asked Tetch.

"You clearly haven't met a lotta women, Tetchy," sighed Joker, shaking his head. "Clothing is always the most important issue, whatever the moment."

"That's a pretty sexist stereotype," retorted Ivy.

"You're the one being the sexist stereotype," said Joker, shrugging.

Harley noticed his face at that moment. "Puddin', what happened?" she exclaimed, racing over to him in concern.

"You stay away from him!" snapped Ivy. "The last thing I wanna see is myself fawning all over the Joker!"

"Your plant pal hit me in the face with a book, just because I suggested the very real possibility that I could be her father," said Joker.

"You…what?" stammered Harley, as Crane entered the room carrying a tea tray.

"Pam…is this true?" asked Two-Face, who looked horrified.

"No, there is no very real possibility that he could be my father!" snapped Ivy. "I don't know who my father is, but I can say for damn sure he's not some freakish clown!"

"But you don't know who he is, so you can't say for damn sure," said Joker, nodding. "It would explain your irrational hatred of me – maybe you've subconsciously sensed our bond, and subliminally hate me for what I did to your Mom…"

"You did nothing to my Mom!" roared Ivy. "Believe me, that is the last thing I want to imagine! And nothing about my hatred of you is irrational!"

"There have been some incarnations of my previous self with red hair, you know," said Joker. "Like that Jerome kid…"

"You know, Pam, maybe after this, we should think about cooling off for a while," interrupted Two-Face, slowly.

"He's not my father!" shrieked Ivy. "And even if he were, how dare you let that change your feelings about me?!"

"I'm just saying, I'm not stupid enough to mess around with the Joker's daughter," replied Two-Face. "I don't know what he'd do to me."

"Something really nasty unless you make an honest woman of my little girl," said Joker, nodding. "I can't believe you just leave her hanging around like this without committing to her…"

" _I_ choose not to commit to _him_!" roared Ivy. "Because I'm a free, independent woman who doesn't need a man or a relationship or a father! Now let's focus on the important task at hand rather than all this nonsense!"

"Nonsense is frequently the most important task at hand," replied Tetch, nodding. "In my experience, anyway…"

"You wanna be punched again?" demanded Ivy.

"Princess, that's no way to talk to the nice man…" began Joker.

Ivy raced forward to punch him again, but was intercepted by Harley. "No, Red, don't touch him!" she snapped. "I can't bear to see myself attacking Mr. J!"

"You attack him all the time," pointed out Crane.

"I know, which is why it's gonna be frustrating to watch," said Harley, nodding. "Because it's not actually me attacking him and getting turned on by the violence."

"Aw, I miss you hitting me too, pooh bear," said Joker, smiling at her. "Pammie just doesn't have the same force behind her punch as you do. That's one of those father-daughter activities I can do with her to make up for lost time…"

"Jervis, you better be able to fix this right now!" snapped Ivy, rounding on him.

"Your paternity issue? I doubt it," replied Tetch. "And as to switching you back into your bodies…"

He trailed off. "What?" demanded Ivy.

"Just promise you won't hit me," said Tetch.

"I promise I won't hit you," repeated Ivy, nodding.

"Well, while it is a relatively straightforward procedure, it does take time," replied Tetch. "The matter in the device exists in a state of constant flux, and I can only change you back when it reaches a certain state."

"And how long will that be?" asked Ivy.

"It should be ready by midnight tonight," replied Tetch.

Ivy stared at him, and then kicked him in the chest. "Ow! You promised not to hit me!" cried Tetch.

"I didn't promise not to kick you," retorted Ivy.

"Jervis, we can't wait that long," said Harley. "My parents are on their way – isn't there something you can do to speed up the process?"

"Despite what you may believe, I don't actually have the power to bend time and space," retorted Tetch. "I am not an elite Gallifreyan or Superman who can just do that sort of thing on a whim. I am bound by the forces of nature, just like the rest of us, and even unnatural objects have a natural order which I don't have the power to tamper with."

"Is there a way you can get this to an elite Gobbledygookian, or Superman, so he can bend time and space around it?" asked Harley.

"And why would Superman do that for us?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, because he hates chaos and likes order, like all those superfreaks," said Harley. "And having somebody in somebody else's body sure sounds like chaos to me. Or we could threaten him with some Kryptonite. Do we have any Kryptonite lying around, Mr. J?"

"Well, I'd have to check the Fungeon, pooh, but I don't think so," said Joker, shaking his head.

"Do I want to know what that is?" asked Ivy.

"It's the fun dungeon," retorted Joker. "We use it for storage, mostly of toys, and people we don't like who we're gonna test the toys out on. I'm pretty sure a lot of 'em would have already died of radiation poisoning if we had some Kryptonite lying around there, so I'm guessing we don't."

"Does Lex?" asked Harley.

"Probably," said Joker, shrugging. "He usually keeps some of it handy for emergencies involving a certain blue boyscout."

"Ok, so here's what we're gonna do," said Harley. "Red and Mr. J are gonna go back home and try to stall my parents – call them and say there's been an emergency, nothing to worry about, but postpone the meeting, while me and Harvey get to Metropolis ASAP and get the Kryptonite from Lex so we can threaten Superman to speed up this whole process."

"Luthor isn't just going to give us Kryptonite," retorted Two-Face. "That stuff is valuable – he's not just going to hand it out like candy."

"Please don't mention candy," said Ivy, shuddering.

"But we're just gonna borrow it for the day," protested Harley. "I'll promise to give it right back after we're switched back."

"No offense, Harley, but he really isn't going to trust your promises," said Two-Face. "And I doubt we can threaten him – Luthor's not gonna be intimidated by me, or by Ivy, even if you are able to control her plants."

"Lex might be persuaded to help me though," said Ivy, slowly. "We do have kinda a history. And you could always use a little pheromone persuasion with my lipstick."

"You mean you'd want me to kiss Lex Luthor?" asked Harley, making a face.

"Only if seducing him doesn't work," said Ivy, shrugging.

"I ain't gonna do nothing of the kind!" snapped Harley. "I'm a one-man loon, and even if I am in your body, that ain't gonna change!"

"Hey, if you wanna give up this whole idea and just wait for midnight, you be my guest," retorted Ivy. "I think it'd be easier just to call your parents and tell them you've come down with something extremely contagious, put them up in a hotel for the night, and then meet 'em tomorrow when everything's back to normal. Your parents are the only factor that's rushing this – as much as I don't like being in Harley's body, I'm happy to wait until midnight as long as I can just sit in a room without the clown. I can spend the time doing some research on my real dad just to stop him annoying me."

"Yeah, you better find out who that really is ASAP," said Harley, nodding. "Because if it is Mr. J, I'll…"

She trailed off suddenly, clutching her head and screaming in pain. "Come on, Harley, it wouldn't be that bad," began Joker. "I mean, I won't even have to take responsibility for the way she's turned out, being an absent father and all…"

"It's not that, you idiot!" snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way and embracing Harley. "It's the plants."

"They were just kinda giving me an annoying headache before, but now it's like a migraine," began Harley. "I can barely see…"

She screamed again, shutting her eyes. "I was afraid of that," muttered Ivy. "The plants take some getting used to, and they need to be controlled. The ones I've bred are like children who need discipline – if you just leave them to run wild, that's what they'll do. Since you haven't really been able to communicate with them and exert authority over them, they think they've got free reign, and they're gonna do whatever they want. And since they are wild children…"

"What?" began Harley.

They suddenly heard a loud crash, and looked out the window to see a giant, carnivorous plant bursting through the road, knocking cars out of the way and crushing them in its tentacles.

"They're gonna run a little wild," finished Ivy.

"Jesus, Harley, you've gotta stop them!" exclaimed Two-Face, as another one suddenly appeared out of the sidewalk. "They're gonna tear apart the city!"

"I don't know how to do that!" cried Harley.

"She can't – it takes years of practice to be able to master them, and that's not something you just pick up with a body switch!" snapped Ivy. "But on the plus side, now we have another factor which makes speeding up this process absolutely imperative – you two had better get to Metropolis immediately."

"Call my parents right now and tell 'em to stay away from the city!" cried Harley. "I don't want them getting hurt by random plants that I can't control!"

"Not to worry, pooh – we'll do a little weed killing while you're gone," said Joker, smiling at Harley.

"You will not!" snapped Ivy. "I know you don't care, but that would hurt Harley even more than she already is. Besides, I'm not gonna let you."

"You could try to stop me, but I reckon your old man still has some tricks you haven't seen," said Joker, smiling.

Ivy tried to ignore him, taking out Harley's phone and scrolling down to the number that said _Mom and Dad_. "This is gonna be really weird," she muttered, dialing it and putting it on speakerphone so Harley could hear.

"Hello?"

"Hi…Mom and Dad…" stammered Ivy. "I hope you guys aren't here yet…"

"Yes, we are, Harley – we've just arrived at the address you gave us. The traffic was pretty light for once, so we made good time. Your Dad's parking right now," said Harley's mother.

"Oh. Well, your…I mean, our current hideout is across town from where we are…so that's ok," said Ivy, looking at Harley.

"Is there a problem, sweetie?" asked Harley's mother. "You don't sound like yourself."

"It's just been…kinda a weird day," said Ivy, slowly. "Uh…there's currently some…unusual activity going on in Gotham, and I just think it's safer if you leave town right away."

"Where are you, sweetie?" asked Harley's mother, concerned. "Are you safe?"

"We're in another part of town, but we're fine," stammered Ivy. "But you two need to leave and get someplace safe right now…"

"We'll pick you up on the way," said Harley's mother. "That way we'll know you're safe."

"No, no, no, don't come here," said Ivy. "Just leave Gotham the way you came in…"

"Sweetheart, if there's trouble in the city, I'm not leaving you here," said Harley's mother. "I'd die of worry, and you don't want to do that to your mother, do you?"

Ivy looked helplessly at Harley, who had tears in her eyes. "We'll…meet you," stammered Ivy. "At the Chuckie Charlie's just before you get to Blüdhaven – it's not too far, but it should be safe. And that way you can see we're safe, and we can all have lunch together, and you don't have to worry."

"Thank you, baby," said Harley's mother. "We'll see you soon."

"You owe me big for this," muttered Ivy, as she hung up. "Having to endure lunch with your parents and pretending to like J."

"Not like – love," said Joker, beaming at her. "But that shouldn't be too hard an emotion to fake for your old man, right, kiddo?"

"I do owe you, Red," agreed Harley, hugging her tightly. "Thank you. You behave, Mr. J," she said, heading over to kiss him.

"No!" shouted Ivy, leaping in front of her. "You are not kissing him in my body!"

"Just a little peck on the cheek?" pleaded Harley.

"No!" repeated Ivy. "What if someone saw a picture of that someday?"

"I don't think anybody's taking pictures…" began Harley, but Joker suddenly seized her and shoved his mouth into hers.

"You better hope I'm not your Daddy, kiddo," he said, grinning at Ivy as he drew away at last. "Because that creep factor was just upped 1000%."

"And before we head to Blüdhaven, I'm gonna go be sick," said Ivy. "Excuse me."

She hurried off. "We'll remain here to monitor the device," said Tetch. "When you find Superman, bring him back here and he can do what he does to it. Have a very safe journey, to Metropolis and Blüdhaven, respectively. And do let me know if you ever need the picture of that kiss, Joker – that'll teach Ivy to assault me," he muttered, returning to his study and pocketing his camera.


	6. Chapter 6

"Ok, here are some ground rules for when we meet Harley's folks," said Ivy, as they drove out of Gotham toward Blüdhaven. "You keep your hands to yourself at all times."

"Now that wouldn't look very loved up and coupley, would it?" asked Joker, smiling at her. "Harley made it very clear that the impression she wants to give her parents is that we're madly in love, and I'm certainly not going to disappoint her."

"But you're not – you only want to be loved up and coupley because it annoys me," retorted Ivy.

"Naturally," said Joker, nodding. "I'm usually only affectionate if there's a joke involved. It's like you don't know your old man at all, Pammie."

"You are really gonna have to stop calling me your daughter in front of Harley's folks – that would be super awkward," said Ivy. "Especially with her dad sitting right there."

"I suppose I can put that joke on hold," said Joker. "After all, reminding you that you could be my daughter is almost as annoying for you as me being affectionate toward you, so as long as you're annoyed, I'm happy."

"You're some piece of work, J," muttered Ivy.

"You're some piece of work, puddin'," corrected Joker.

"I am not calling you puddin'," retorted Ivy.

"You won't be doing a very good impression of Harley if you don't," retorted Joker.

"Oh, this is gonna be awful," sighed Ivy. "But it shouldn't be too difficult - I just have to try to think like Harley…who thinks you're the greatest and most attractive guy in the world, and who wants to build her whole life around your happiness…oh God, I can't do it!" she exclaimed. "I just can't act that crazy!"

"Well, you're gonna have to, for Harley's sake," snapped Joker, as Ivy pulled into the parking lot of the fast food restaurant. "So just man up and do it."

"I will not man up!" snapped Ivy.

"Good – that's not like Harley either," said Joker. "Now take my damn hand."

"Show me there's no joy buzzer first," said Ivy.

Joker sighed, turning his hand over. "It's sad how there's no trust between us anymore. Though it's understandable that you'd have a hard time trusting people after what I did to you and your Mom."

Ivy glared murderously at him, but took his hand as they stepped out of the car and into the restaurant.

"Harley, baby, we're so glad you're safe!" exclaimed Mrs. Quinzel, rushing over to embrace the woman she thought was her daughter. "And Joker, how nice to see you again," she said, smiling at him.

"Likewise, Mrs. Q," said Joker. "Mr. Q, how ya doing?" he asked, beaming at Harley's father.

"I'm fine – I hope you've been treating my daughter the same way," he retorted, glaring at Joker.

"I'm doing just swell, Mom and Dad," said Ivy, in what she hoped was an approximation of Harley's accent. "Me and Mr. J just…couldn't be better. Ya know, he's just the greatest, and if ya got love, ya got all ya need."

"Tone it down a little," hissed Joker. "You sound like that woman from _The Nanny_."

"That's how Harley sounds!" hissed Ivy.

"She's not as over the top as that," retorted Joker.

"Oh, you're one to talk about over the top!" hissed Ivy, as they sat down in the booth across from Harley's parents, who watched their argument curiously.

"Is everything ok, baby?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, slowly.

"Sure, Mom," said Ivy. "But you know how it is with men sometimes – Mr. J wanted to take one way to get here, I wanted to take the other, and we ended up arguing. That's what happens in nice, long, happy relationships sometimes though, right? You argue over stupid stuff, because you know you'll never argue over anything important because you're just so sympatico," she said, taking Joker's hand again.

"Oh, your father still argues with me about important things from time to time," said Mrs. Quinzel, smiling at her.

"My daughter's well-being is very important," agreed Mr. Quinzel, nodding. "And your mother and I don't always agree on the state of that."

"I told you, I'm just swell, Dad," repeated Ivy. "Even though anyone objectively might think my relationship is probably the worst one ever in the history of humanity, and no sane person could possibly want anything to do with this horrible psychopath and mass murderer, and a smart, attractive girl like me could definitely do a lot better…but despite all these very obvious, natural thoughts that rational, normal people have, you should just accept this as great, the way I do."

"Well, nobody could ever accuse you of being normal, pooh," said Joker, putting an arm around her and smiling. "That's why I love you. A guy like me really hit the jackpot with a girl like you, who understands and enjoys all my little quirks. Besides, some people would argue that a parent's job is to accept their child as she is, and respect her decisions, no matter how objectively terrible they might think they are. Why, I know if I was a father to a daughter who was a little too fond of plants, shall we say, as a random, nonspecific example, I certainly wouldn't try to talk her out of her obsession."

"That would be a completely different situation than this one, and you know it," snapped Ivy.

"Not really," said Joker, shrugging. "No one would objectively support a crusade where plants take over the world and wipe out all of humanity, and yet I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to stop her from doing that. I would respect her choice as a strong, intelligent woman. Unless you're saying you're not strong and intelligent, which I think we both know isn't true, Dr. Quinzel," he added, kissing her cheek.

Ivy tried to hide her cringe and ignore the almost overwhelming urge to wipe her cheek. "You're so right…puddin'," she choked out.

"Well, you two seem happy together, and that's what's important," said Mrs. Quinzel, nodding. "And there's no doubting how much Harley cares for you, Joker. Her love just shines through every second she's in your company."

"Don't I know it," agreed Joker, pulling Ivy into a hug. "Even now, I bet you can just see the love shining out of her eyes," he said, nuzzling her nose.

"I will kill you!" hissed Ivy.

"Y'see? Pure love," sighed Joker, smiling at her.

"I don't think it's unreasonable for me to worry about my daughter's safety in taking up with a murdering psychopath," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "You're not actually a father, Joker…"

"That you know of," interrupted Joker, nodding. "For all you know, I could have a little red-haired girl running around out there – that possibility is probably closer than you think."

"…so you don't understand what it's like to have a child," finished Mr. Quinzel, ignoring him. "And what it's like trying to protect that child in an evil world. I didn't want Harley to move to Gotham in the first place, the city with the highest crime rate in the country, attacked every other day by costumed lunatics. It's the plant freak causing trouble right now, isn't it? That's what I heard on the radio."

"I don't think she's a freak," retorted Ivy. "I think she has a lot of valid points."

"I know she's a friend of yours, Harley, but what possible reason could she have for attacking the city like this?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"Well, it's probably a pretty unbelievable one this time," said Ivy. "But she usually has good reasons for it. Talking about children and their safety, if you thought of plants as your children and saw them hurt and destroyed every day by humanity, after awhile I think you'd want to avenge them too. You're right…Dad…it's hard to see someone you love abused and just suffer in silence. I think that's why…I…Ivy lashes out so much. But just because most people can't understand it doesn't make it wrong."

"My point exactly, pooh bear," said Joker, nodding. "See, all these little disagreements are just a matter of perspective. As a wise Jedi Knight once said, many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. If we could all just be a little more understanding of people's points of view, maybe this world would be a better place."

"I'm fine with that in theory, but I think it's a little different when other people's points of view cause harm to innocent people," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "Especially innocent people who are close to you. I just don't want to read about my daughter's death in the paper one day caused by her homicidal maniac boyfriend, either intentionally or accidentally."

"You think I don't look after my Harley cakes?" purred Joker, pulling her closer as Ivy tried to inch away from him.

"I think even if you do, there's only so much you can do," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "Your criminal lifestyle puts her in constant danger. If you really cared about her, you'd give it up, so she's not a target for every piece of lowlife scum out there. Not to mention all your rival supercriminals who are probably looking to take you down a peg."

"Trust me, none of the supercriminals are trying to hurt Harl…me," finished Ivy. "Although they do all hate J and want to take him down a peg. I mean, even though I…adore him, I can certainly see how he might grate on some people, and how they might want to smash his face in repeatedly until all that remains of his smile is a mass of bloody, red goo."

"Oh, pumpkin, I love your dirty talk!" cooed Joker, kissing her cheek again and ending with a lick.

"Oh my…God…that's…wonderful!" gasped Ivy, trying not to gag.

"Even if the supercriminals don't mean it, you could still be put in harm's way, Harley," said Mr. Quinzel. "This Ivy woman could lose control of her plants somehow and crush you with them. She might not mean it, but anything can happen in chaos. And since your lifestyle is so chaotic, it's also very dangerous. You can't blame us for worrying."

"There's nothing to worry about," retorted Ivy. "I'm a capable woman who can take care of myself, and I have a lot of friends who also worry about me constantly and try and look after me. You can't ask for more than that."

"You also can't ask the people who raised you to ever stop worrying about your safety," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "That's just what parents do."

"It certainly is," agreed Joker, nodding.

"Puddin', you really don't know anything about this, so why don't you just stay out of it!" snapped Ivy. "You're not a parent, for the last time!"

"Neither are you," retorted Joker.

"In a manner of speaking, I am!" snapped Ivy.

"Are you?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, astonished. "Harley, are you pregnant?"

"No!" said Ivy, hastily. "Oh no, no, no, that's not what I meant…I just meant…I sympathize with…people who are parents…having always wanted kids and all…but J has never wanted kids, and will never have kids, which is probably as it should be because frankly, he'd be a terrible father. And I'm willing to put aside my dreams of motherhood for him, just as I put aside everything for him, so that's that."

"Oh now, pumpkin, you shouldn't just resign yourself like that," said Joker, smiling at her. "Why, if we keep doing what we did this morning, without putting a wrapper on my lollipop and all, you might accidentally end up pregnant one of these days. You could even have a little Joker bun in your oven right now," he said, patting her belly.

"Puddin', I am really sure my parents don't want to hear about that," snapped Ivy, shoving his hand away. "Also, you know very well nothing happened this morning, and if you ever want anything to happen in future, you'll stop mentioning it right now before somebody makes sure you can never use those parts again, get me?"

"Are you folks ready to order?" asked a waitress, coming over to them. Her smile dropped when she recognized the Joker. "If not, I can come back later…" she began, about to hurry off.

"No, I'm ready," said Joker. "I think I'd like a really big salad, unless you got something else with a lotta greens in it. I'm just in the mood to devour massive amounts of plant life. Plus a pot of coffee for the table, please…"

"He's just joking – he wants a steak with no vegetables whatsoever," interrupted Ivy. "And plain water, with no lemon or limes or whatever you people usually pollute it with."

"Actually, I wouldn't mind joining you in a salad, J," said Mrs. Quinzel. "I think a steak would just be too filling for me."

"Yeah, and I gotta watch the old figure," said Joker, nodding. "I think salads for everyone, don't you, Harl?"

"I just don't think that's a good idea," hissed Ivy.

"Why not, Harley?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"Well…if Ivy's plants are attacking Gotham…they could be drawn here if they feel their fellow plants in pain," said Ivy, slowly. "And we don't wanna risk that."

"Surely Batman will have that situation under control by now, won't he?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"He is pretty dependable," agreed Joker.

"Yes, but if he can't subdue Ivy for some reason, he probably won't be able to stop her plants," retorted Ivy.

"Why wouldn't he be able to subdue Ivy?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"I dunno, he just…might not be able to find her," said Ivy.

"Isn't there another Batman in Blüdhaven?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

Joker laughed. "Another Batman – oh, you're funny, Mr. Q! There's only one Batman, just like there's only one Joker. Blüdhaven's stuck with some punk kid vigilante – nowhere near as cute as Batboy."

"You called?" said a familiar voice suddenly, and they all turned to see Nightwing standing in the doorway. "Joker, you're the last person I want to see on my turf," he said, entering the restaurant.

"And on your turf is the last place I wanna be," agreed Joker, nodding. "But this ain't none of your business. I'm taking a personal day, kid, so just lay off before something bad happens to you."

"Not gonna happen," said Nightwing. "I'm taking you in."

Joker sighed, standing up. "Ok. Excuse me for a second, Mr. and Mrs. Q – I just gotta take care of this uninvited guest, or as I call him, Robin Wannabat."

"I am not…" began Nightwing, but he was cut off as Joker hit him in the face with a crowbar.

"I know – you were thinking is that a crowbar in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you!" chuckled Joker. "Turns out it was both!"

"J, how about you don't beat up children in front of my parents!" hissed Ivy, trying to pull him away.

"Sorry – crowbars to the face are just a natural instinct when I encounter Robins," said Joker. He slammed the crowbar across Nightwing's face again. "See?" he chuckled. "Oops, I did it again!"

"J, stop it!" hissed Ivy.

"He started it!" protested Joker. "I told him to get lost, but he decided to make it personal!"

"Ok, but you're gonna be the bigger man and stop this now!" snapped Ivy, pushing him away from Nightwing.

"Just stay out of this, Harley!" snapped Nightwing, shoving her to the ground.

"Don't you dare treat my daughter like that!" snapped Mr. Quinzel, standing up.

"Yeah, don't you dare treat my daughter like that!" snapped Joker.

"What?" demanded Nightwing, but he was cut off as the ground beneath them began to shake, and plant roots suddenly burst through the ground.

"What the hell did you do?" hissed Joker.

"I…may have trained my plants to attack if Harley's in danger," said Ivy, slowly.

Before Joker could respond, the plant seized him, tightening itself around him. "I'm not the one hurting her…you stupid weed!" he gasped.

"Sorry, I trained it to naturally attack you in that event, as you would probably be the most likely suspect," said Ivy.

The plant reached out and seized Nightwing too, trapping him. "Also any Bat-related persons," she continued. "But you two are probably safe," she added, smiling at Harley's parents.

At that moment, the plant also reached out and seized them. "Or not," finished Ivy, her smile dropping into a frown as she ripped out her phone. "C'mon, Harley, hurry up!" she hissed, as she dialed her own number.


	7. Chapter 7

"The speed limit is 65," said Two-Face, trying to keep both faces calm as Harley sped down the interstate, her foot glued to the gas pedal.

"That's not a 2 number, so why the hell would you care?" she retorted, weaving in and out of traffic as her free hand slammed on the car horn repeatedly.

"Because I kinda…don't wanna die," said Two-Face, slowly. "Plus a car accident is not gonna help with the whole facial scarring…"

"Nobody would notice, would they?" snapped Harley. She sighed. "Sorry to be cranky – I'm just a little stressed. Which I think is understandable after the day I've had so far. And it's only gonna get worse. I hate Lex," she muttered, her hands tightening on the wheel. "He's no fun at all. And he's a real two-faced guy, if you ask me, pretending to be all friendly and nice in public but actually a huge jerk in private. Reminds me of your friend Bruce, now that I think about it."

"Except Bruce is actually a decent, good guy in private, while Lex isn't," retorted Two-Face. "Not all billionaires are the same, Harley. There's nothing two-faced about Bruce. He's a friend who's been there for me through thick and thin. And he actually does use his money for good causes, unlike Lex who funnels it through a secret society of supervillains dedicated to destroying the Justice League."

"I guess he thinks destroying the Justice League is a good cause," said Harley, shrugging. "Can't blame him for that. I mean, have you seen that Hall of Justice thing they built? Talk about your massive egos – they've got fifty foot statues of each one of those godlike egomaniacs. Do you actually believe someone who would want a hall full of massive statues dedicated to themselves actually cares for the good of anyone else but themselves?"

"I'm not about to start defending the Justice League," retorted Two-Face. "But my point is Lex is just as egomaniacal as they are, while Bruce really isn't. He does a lot of good that never gets noticed, because he doesn't like to brag about it. He hides a lot of it behind tabloid coverage of his latest romances and escapades. That tells me he's less concerned about his reputation than actually trying to do good."

"That tells me he has something to hide," retorted Harley. "Like he's trying to put on a mask, so no one will suspect he's actually a good person. Which is weird, because normally it's the other way around, like Lex. Why would anyone wanna hide that they're actually a nice guy?"

Two-Face shrugged. "Nice guys finish last, you know that saying. Bruce is the face of Wayne Enterprises, and if he seems too nice, people in his corporate world are gonna try to take advantage of him. You know the cutthroat world of business."

"Yeah, the capitalist system exploits us all," said Harley, nodding. "Even the so-called masters aren't free."

"...what?" asked Two-Face.

"I did Econ 101 in college," said Harley, shrugging. "That's the one thing I remember from it. It wasn't really my thing – kinda dry and boring, not like delving into the minds of psychos. That's real exciting stuff."

"You should try law sometime," said Two-Face. "Talk about dry and boring. And it was all a waste of time in the end."

"You shouldn't think like that, Harvey," said Harley. "If I hadn't wasted my time becoming a doctor, I never would have met Mr. J, the love of my life, and become the kooky, crazy, authentic woman I am today. Except now I'm not authentic, since I'm in Red's body, but you get what I mean. And if you hadn't become DA, you never would have tried to bulldoze over those flowers, and Red never would have dated you and then tried to kill you, and you guys wouldn't have whatever it is you have now."

"Yeah, that's…seeing the positive side, I guess," said Two-Face, slowly. "I also wouldn't have this horrible physical or mental deformity."

"It's not a deformity, Harvey," said Harley. "I mean, the physical thing is, yeah. But when you study psychology like I have, you come to the conclusion that everyone's a little crazy – most people just spend their lives trying to hide that, and repress it. You probably did that your whole life, but now you're living your true self, and you've become who you were meant to be. It's not deformity – it's destiny."

"So I'm destined to be a psycho," said Two-Face. "That's kinda depressing."

"Well, you're not a psycho compared to Mr. J," said Harley. "So that's something."

"I guess I can always feel better by comparing myself to the Joker," agreed Two-Face.

"I don't see why – I would think any guy would feel a lot worse," said Harley. "Because they just can't compare. Mr. J's the smartest, handsomest, bestest guy in the whole wide world."

"Yeah…that's really weird to hear coming outta Pammie's mouth," said Two-Face. "And anyway, you gotta pretend to be more like her for this meeting with Luthor."

"I'm not gonna just jump him, which is what she would probably do," retorted Harley. "I don't even know why she uses this lipstick – surely there's gotta be an easier way to control guys' minds than by kissing 'em? Unless she just likes kissing randomers, but I certainly don't."

"I just don't know what she sees in Lex," said Two-Face. "He's just awful. He's not attractive, and he's got a horrible personality. He's a selfish, egomaniacal, power-hungry, cold-hearted businessman. He's exactly the kind of man she should hate, and rightfully so."

"No arguments here," agreed Harley. "It's probably just a sex thing for her, don't worry. He's probably just really good in bed."

"And…I shouldn't be worried about that because…?" asked Two-Face.

"Because it don't mean anything," retorted Harley. "You know Red – she'll sleep with anything in pants because that's her idea of fun. But she never uses the same guy for more than a couple months. You and she have been going on for years now, which tells me that it's more than sex with you."

"So you think…we got some kinda future?" asked Two-Face, slowly.

"All I'm saying is Red is sticking around for some reason," said Harley, shrugging. "It might just be because you're the best guy she's ever had in bed, but I think it's more than that. I mean, nobody's that good that you'd waste your time hanging around them long term if you were only with them for the sex. Except maybe Mr. J. He's just crazy good, and knows just what to do to a gal to get her all revved up…"

"You know, these are things I don't need to hear about," interrupted Two-Face, quickly.

"Yeah, you're right, I need to focus on how I'm gonna act around Lex," agreed Harley, nodding. "I guess I could just try to pretend he's Mr. J, and act like I'd act around him. I mean, it'll take some imagination on my part, but desperate times call for desperate measures, am I right?"

"Ivy really isn't as…demonstrative as you around guys she likes," said Two-Face, slowly. "She's subtler and less obvious. While you're all over J all the time, for instance, she prefers to treat the whole thing like a dance, sending signals back and forth before you finally get to the main event."

"A dance," repeated Harley, nodding. "Got it. I can do that. I can do subtle."

"Can you?" asked Two-Face, skeptically.

"Sure," said Harley. "What makes you think I can't?"

"Gee, I dunno," said Two-Face, sarcastically. "The giant hammer you carry around with you, the way you talk and act and dress, your whole personality, a lotta little things, I guess."

"I was a shrink for a lotta years, you know," retorted Harley. "I can repress all that – I just choose not to, now that I have a choice. So don't you worry about me, Harv."

"I'm not," said Two-Face. "But I figure I should stick around in case Lex tries anything."

"And so you can show him that you're together, in the hopes that he'll leave Red alone in future," said Harley, nodding. "You ain't subtle either, Harvey."

"Touche," agreed Two-Face. "Now please get us to Metropolis in one piece. For once, I'm not a fan of twos."

They were stopped by security guards at the entrance to LexCorp, who instantly radioed for Luthor's personal security detail, which consisted of Mercy Graves. "Does Mr. Luthor have an appointment to see you…people?" she asked, sneering at them.

"You don't need to take that tone, just because I had Lexual relations, and you ain't," retorted Harley. "You just tell him Ivy's here to see him, and see how he responds."

"I don't have to do that, you know," snapped Mercy.

"You do if you don't want another boxing glove to the back of the head, like I gave you last time," retorted Harley.

"You never gave me a boxing glove to the back of the head – that was that dumb clown girl," retorted Mercy.

"For your information, she ain't dumb – she's a doctor!" snapped Harley. "What medical degrees do you got, sweetheart?!"

"I was trained how to kill someone just by touching them," retorted Mercy. "So please, keep pushing me."

"Ladies, believe me, I hate to break up the impending catfight, but we do need to see Luthor urgently," said Two-Face, stepping in between them. "If it makes you feel better, I promise nothing unprofessional is going to happen between Ivy and Luthor. This is a strictly business transaction, which will hopefully be mutually profitable. And you don't want Luthor hearing somehow that you didn't let him conduct profitable business because of some petty grudge, do you?"

Mercy glared at him, but raised an intercom to her lips. "Lex, the plant freak and the half-faced freak are here from Gotham to see you."

"Send them up," came Luthor's voice over the intercom.

"You're good, Harvey," whispered Harley, as Mercy reluctantly let them pass. "Glad I brought you along after all."

"Believe me, I had to deal with a lotta people like Lex in my time as DA," said Two-Face, nodding as they entered the elevator. "Money is the language that everyone understands."

They entered Luthor's office, and he looked up from his desk, smiling at Harley. "Ivy, what a pleasant surprise," he said, standing up and coming over to embrace her and kiss her cheek.

"You keep your hands to yourself, creep!" snapped Harley, forgetting for a moment that she was meant to pretend to be Ivy and backing away from him. Two-Face coughed loudly, and she was reminded. "I mean…it's great to see you again, Lex," she said, embracing him and returning the cheek kiss.

"You know you're welcome to see me anytime you want, but why did you bring the disgraced DA?" asked Luthor, glancing at Two-Face. "I know I prefer our meetings when they're strictly private and…intimate," he murmured, sliding his hands down her waist.

"God, you are such a…charmer, Lex," said Harley, trying to hide her shudder. "But we're here on actual business – it's kinda a long story, 31 pages so far, in fact, but for reasons which are very difficult to explain, we need to borrow some Kryptonite from you so we can threaten Superman."

"Well, while I'm always in favor of threatening Superman, that's quite a large favor, isn't it?" asked Luthor. "Kryptonite doesn't grow on trees, you know. So I'm going to need a very large favor in return."

"Ok, whatever you want," said Harley, nodding.

"Um…Ivy, maybe we should hear the favor first before we agree to it," said Two-Face. "I would just advise that from a legal perspective."

"You really want the lawyer around when you meet with me?" asked Luthor, nodding at him. "Why don't you tell him to leave us alone so we can have some real fun?"

"She clearly needs me around so she doesn't make terrible deals without hearing the terms of them first," retorted Two-Face.

"Ivy doesn't need any man," retorted Luthor. "Isn't that right, Ivy?"

"Yeah, men, boo, hiss," said Harley, nodding. "I hate 'em all. But I want Harvey to stay…for now," she added with a smile. "And given our history together, Lex, do we really need to ruin all this with talk of business deals? You know the kinda gal I am – sooner or later, I'll need my sexy Lexy to scratch my itch as only he can. Why don't you give me the Kryptonite now, and I'll pay you back the next time I'm in the mood for some Luthor beefcake?"

"You think sex is equal in value to Kryptonite?" asked Luthor. "Are you insane?"

"Yes," said Harley, nodding firmly. "So you know how crazy good the sex is going to be. And c'mon, Lex – it's kinda hot to be offering myself to you with my other ex standing right there," she purred. "The illicitness of it, and the thrill of it just make me wanna…dance."

"I said _like_ a dance, not an actual dance!" hissed Two-Face, burying his faces in his hands as Harley began shimmying back and forth, twisting her body to an unheard rhythm.

"You said what now?" asked Harley, turning to him.

"No, really, what part of that do you think is subtle?!" demanded Two-Face. "You said you could do subtle, Harley!"

"Harley?" repeated Luthor, instantly backing away from her. "What the hell is going on?!"

"Ok, see, this is why we need the Kryptonite – Ivy and I switched bodies this morning via alien technology, and now we need Superman to somehow speed up time and switch us back before Ivy's plants can destroy Gotham!" exclaimed Harley. "You gotta help us out, Lex!"

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to do," retorted Luthor. "And I especially do not want to help the Joker's dumb blonde slut who has aided that lunatic in foiling and humiliating me more times than I can count! If Ivy's plants destroy Gotham, it's all the better for me – I can buy up all the land before that idiot Wayne can, and build cheap condos on the rubble which I can rent out at extortionate rates. Thanks for letting me know, so I can get on that as soon as the chaos has settled. Now get out."

"Not gonna happen," said Harley, forcefully. "We ain't leaving without the Kryptonite."

"Yes, you are," said Luthor, pressing a button on his desk. Mercy and two other goons entered, pointing guns at them.

"Ok, Harley, let's…" began Two-Face, backing toward the door, but Harley suddenly kicked upward, knocking the gun out of Mercy's hand, and lunged forward, shoving her to the ground as the guards' bullets whizzed over her head. Harley instantly jumped to her feet…or she tried to, anyway, but instead ended up falling back on top of Mercy.

"Dammit, Red's body has thrown my balance off!" she exclaimed, struggling to her feet again and slamming her foot down on Mercy's face to knock her unconscious. "I bet I can't even do a back-flip…"

"Harley, look out!" shouted Two-Face, reaching for his gun as one of the guards aimed at her, but she fell backwards into him as she attempted her back-flip, causing his gun to go off in his own face. Two-Face shrugged, shooting the remaining guard and keeping his gun fixed on Luthor, who was reaching for his own gun hidden in his desk drawer.

"Don't try it, Lex!" snapped Harley, storming over to him. "Just give us the Kryptonite!"

"I will never…" began Luthor, but Harley suddenly seized him and pressed her lips against his.

"Well…that was unpleasant," she commented, drawing away and wiping her lips.

"For both of us," agreed Luthor. "But the mind control lipstick doesn't work on me, Harley. I created an antidote for that the moment I got involved with Ivy, and now I'm immune to it."

"Well, it's unfortunate for you that that wasn't the mind control lipstick, now isn't it?" asked Harley. "That was Red's poison lipstick, you know, the kind that kills a guy in thirty seconds or less. She gave me the antidote, but if you don't get it fast, you're gonna shrivel up and die like an old weed. And the only way you're getting it is if you trade me for the Kryptonite," she said, holding up a small container. "So what's it gonna be, Lex? You have about ten seconds before you're gonna be in too much pain to consider my offer. Ten…nine…eight…seven…"

Luthor glared at her, but unlocked a drawer in his desk and tossed a small box at her. "Here, take it, and give me that!"

"Aw, I was hoping I could get to two for Harvey's sake," said Harley, smiling at Two-Face. She opened the box to make sure he had actually given her Kryptonite, nodded, and then tossed the container to him.

"Come on, Harvey, let's go," she said, heading for the door as Luthor downed the contents of the container. He choked suddenly.

"This is…ink!" he gasped.

"Yeah, it's from a pen I swiped on the way in here," said Harley, nodding. "The lipstick wasn't really poisoned either – I just used a few cheap, psychological tricks to fool ya. Looks like you got schooled by Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel, psychiatrist extraordinaire. See ya around, Lexy!" she said, waving at him as they headed out the door. "What?" she asked, looking at Two-Face, who had just been staring at her.

"Nothing," he said. "I just…guess I underestimate you sometimes, Harley."

"Folks tend to do that," said Harley, nodding. "Everyone except Mr. J. It's like my superpower. And speaking of superpowers, let's go blow up a building or something to get the attention of the Superfreak."

Her phone rang at that moment, and she answered it. "Hello? Red? What's going on there? You what? They what?! Ok, we got the Kryptonite and we're gonna catch a ride with Superman, so we should be there soon. Try and keep my parents and Mr. J safe – let 'em have Nightwing. He's what? Oh great – we'll be there as quick as we can."

She hung up with a sigh. "Batman's just arrived in Blüdhaven, we gotta go deal with Superman, and I had to kiss Lex Luthor. Honestly, could this day get any worse?"


	8. Chapter 8

"This is Lois Lane on Metropolis Today. Our top story – Superman has once again proven himself the savior of Metropolis by helping us out in ways both big and small. While our local hero frequently battles dangerous villains from outer space, today his feat was a little less epic, but no less important, as he rescued a group of kittens stuck up a tree…"

"Look at him helping those kitties like he's some kinda hero," muttered Harley, as she and Two-Face crouched just outside the television studio, watching footage from earlier that day of Superman flying up to bring the kittens down from the tree.

"Yeah, how dare he," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"I bet they don't even have kitties on whatever planet he's from," said Harley, scowling at the footage. "He should leave earth kitties alone. I should get a sign saying 'Hands off earth pussy' and go protest him, right, Harvey?"

"Uh…sure," said Two-Face, slowly. "If you think that would get Superman's attention, go for it."

"I got better ways of getting his attention, I told you," retorted Harley, approaching the studio door.

"Quite a sweet gesture, wouldn't you agree, Zach?" asked Lois, turning to her co-anchor.

"Quite a sweet PR stunt, I'll give him that," said her co-anchor, nodding. "I know you women swoon over everything a good-looking, super-powered guy does, but I don't buy his boy-scout routine for a second."

"I know, Zach – your whole purpose here is to stir controversies for ratings," sighed Lois, fixing some papers on her desk. "Though I'm honestly not sure how you can twist this one into a negative thing. You simply cannot take the symbol for truth, justice, and the American way and make him into something dark and troubling. That's just not in his character."

"There are a lot of dark and troubling things about the American way, Lois," retorted Zach. "Superman represents a pipe-dream of a bygone age, an age of hope and ideals. That's all gone now, there are no more hopes and ideals, and we have to face real life as it is, which is dark and terrible. There's no room for hope and optimism anymore, especially when dealing with serious topics like super-powered aliens, and we have to accept the fact that even our treasured hero might be capable of horrible things."

"Horrible things like saving kittens," said Lois, nodding. "Maybe you'd be more comfortable in Gotham, Zach."

"No way – we got enough Bat apologists there!" snapped Harley, storming onto the set. "And we got enough dark and brooding there to make the whole city suicidal! Which is why my puddin' thinks it's so important to spread smiles…"

"Uh…Ivy, I don't believe you have a puddin'," spoke up Two-Face, reminding Harley of whose body she was in.

"Oh…yeah," she said, slowly. "I meant...Harley's puddin', the Joker."

"That's a Freudian slip if I ever heard one, Miss Ivy," said Lois, her desire for a hot news story overriding her fear at the appearance of two supervillains at her place of work. "Are you saying you have feelings for the Joker?"

"Oh no," said Harley, hastily. "Oh, no, no, no. I don't know what you're thinking, but you shouldn't be thinking that. Mr J…the Joker's a one woman loon, and he adores his Harley. Even if I had these feelings, which I definitely do not, he would never, ever cheat on her…"

"I didn't suggest cheating– you did," interrupted Lois. "Which makes me think you're protesting too much, Miss Ivy. Are you having an affair with the Joker?"

"No, I told you, he's a one woman loon!" shouted Harley. "Honestly, I'm…I mean, Harley's the shrink here, and I've learned from her that sometimes people just hear what they wanna hear! This breaking news supervillain love triangle bombshell would certainly get a lot more viewers than your stupid kitten story, so now you wanna twist reality to suit your own agenda, just like all the mainstream media and their fake news! Well, no more, toots! You journalists are gonna be held accountable for your actions, including making up lies about insanely happy couples! Harvey, grab her!"

"I told you, the coin said this was a bad idea," said Two-Face. "I'm not comfortable with it, and I'm having no part of it."

"Fine, I'll do it myself," snapped Harley, grabbing Lois around the waist and hauling her out of her chair. "C'mon, sweetheart, let's go be live bait for your boy-scout boyfriend!"

"You see, Lois? The presence of Superman lures supervillains like these here to hurt innocent people in order to plot his destruction…" began Zach, who just sat smugly in his chair as Lois fought against Harley.

"Put a sock in it, emo!" snapped Harley. "We ain't plotting Superman's destruction! We just need him to show up here so this awful day can be over – as bad as you think being kidnapped on air is, today's been a lot worse for me than it's been for you, trust me! We'll be on the roof, Supey!" she called into the camera, as she dragged a struggling Lois out of the studio.

"How long do you think it will take for Superman to appear?" asked Two-Face, as he followed Harley and Lois.

"I dunno – he's faster than a speeding bullet, so hopefully not very long," replied Harley, attempting to drag Lois, who had dug her heels in, up the stairs to the roof. "Just gimme a hand here, will ya, Harv?" she snapped.

"The coin…" began Two-Face, taking it out.

"You don't need the stupid coin – now just be a man and help me carry this struggling woman up the stairs!" interrupted Harley, grabbing the coin away from him. "You know you want to!"

"I really don't…" began Two-Face.

"You do if you ever want this coin back in your possession without it being shoved into your good eye!" snapped Harley. "And I wouldn't test if I'm joking, if I were you! I ain't messing around anymore – I'm at the end of my tether! Now pick her up or I swear to God I'll make you suffer so much it'll make the day you lost half your face a pleasant memory by comparison!"

Two-Face nodded slowly, lifting Lois's legs as Harley picked her up under her arms and lifted her off her feet. They hauled her up onto the roof and then dropped her on the ground. Lois struggled to her feet, glaring at Harley furiously as she scanned the skyline.

"You're using me as bait to get Superman's attention?" she demanded. "That's pretty demeaning for you, Ivy. Aren't you always saying that women should be more than a man's motivation?"

"Maybe I am - that does sound like me," agreed Harley. "But this is an emergency, and I know nothing will get a man's attention like his woman being in danger. Personally, I don't know what you see in him, though – you're clearly a smart, sophisticated woman who can do better than the big, dumb, hero type."

"Yes, God forbid a smart, sophisticated woman would choose a good, decent man rather than the stereotypical bad boys," said Lois, sarcastically. "Obviously I should be interested in clown criminals, as you so apparently are."

"Look, I'm not blind, so I'll admit that the Joker's a gorgeous guy, and that Harley's a lucky woman," said Harley, nodding. "But I'm not interested in him - I got a great guy right here," she said, smiling at Two-Face.

"Oh yes, a bipolar supercriminal with half a face who depends on flipping a coin to make decisions – what a catch," said Lois, sarcastically.

"Hey, shut up!" snapped Two-Face. "You want me to shoot her?" he asked, taking out his gun and turning to Harley. "Because I think that'll get Superman's attention real quick. See if he's faster than my speeding bullet."

"Nah, we don't need to go that extreme," said Harley.

"So what, you're just gonna tie me up here and we'll wait for Superman to appear?" demanded Lois.

"Nah, that's not extreme enough," said Harley, staring at her. She suddenly lunged forward, shoving Lois back and off the roof of the building.

"Don't worry – he'll catch you before you splatter on the ground!" Harley called over Lois's screaming as she plummeted toward the concrete below.

"She'd better hope he will," said Two-Face, watching her fall. "He's cutting it real close…"

Just before Lois hit the ground, a blurred shape caught her and soared back up toward the roof, depositing her to safety and glaring at Harley and Two-Face with his arms folded across the large 'S' on his chest.

"Should I even ask for an explanation?" Superman demanded. "Or what you're doing in my city?"

"No time," said Harley, reaching into her bag. "All you need to know is that I got this," she said, taking out the Kryptonite and shoving it at him. Superman instantly fell back, shielding his eyes from the glow. "And now that I've got your attention, Supey," said Harley, beaming at him. "You're gonna do a little favor for me."


	9. Chapter 9

When Batman arrived at the fast-food restaurant in Blüdhaven, the situation was far, far worse than he had expected it to be, and Batman wasn't an optimistic guy. The plants had literally taken root in the building, wrapping themselves around every inch of it. Batman managed to force his way through to see that the interior of the building was empty of people, except for an older couple, the Joker and Harley Quinn, and Nightwing. They were all tangled up in plants, except Harley, and the ones holding Nightwing and Joker were clearly trying to strangle them. Batman was surprised at how calm Harley looked considering a plant was attempting to suffocate the Joker - normally she would be desperately trying to help him, but she sat unconcerned in the corner, casually filing her nails.

"Harley…for the last time…help me out here!" hissed Joker.

"Mr. J, for the last time, there's nothing I can do," retorted the woman who appeared to be Harley, glancing calmly at her nails. "I'm no match for a plant's strength – we just have to wait for Ivy to sort this one out, which hopefully she will before the plant chokes the life outta you. And what a tragedy that would be," she added, not sounding particularly sincere.

"Nightwing, are you ok?" asked Batman, hurrying over to him.

"Just peachy!" hissed Nightwing. "What took you so long to get here?"

"There's also a plant situation in Gotham, you know," retorted Batman. "They're running wild over there, but we've quarantined the area as much as possible, which will have to do until I find Ivy and make her stop this. I don't even know why she's doing this – she usually has some demands when she attacks Gotham, but I haven't even heard from her today."

"She's probably…closer than you think, Bats!" chuckled Joker. "Thanks for showing up – I know you're a true friend who's there for me when I'm in trouble, unlike some people," he snapped, glaring at Ivy.

"We're not friends," snapped Ivy, glaring back at him. "We've never been friends, and today has definitely not changed that."

"Yeah, we're more than friends – we're family!" giggled Joker.

"At least if you die, I won't have to hear about that anymore," said Ivy. "So that possibility is looking better and better. Batman, don't you dare hurt those plants," she snapped, as Batman suddenly withdrew a Batarang to cut through them.

"What's wrong with you, Harley?" asked Batman. "You seem to be very concerned about Ivy's plants, but you don't seem at all concerned that Joker is being attacked by them."

"Well, maybe he provoked them, and he deserves it," retorted Ivy, shrugging. "Anyway, they're only doing what they were taught to do – protect me from people who would try to hurt me. I won't let you kill them for just doing what they're supposed to do."

"And how exactly are you going to stop me?" demanded Batman. "I know you can't take me on your own, and without Ivy, nobody can goad the plants into attacking me. So you'll forgive me if I put the lives of humans before the lives of plants," he said, slicing through the vines restraining Nightwing.

Ivy's hands clenched into fists as she gritted her teeth – although the destruction of plants didn't physically hurt her in this body, it still hurt her emotionally to see the death of something she loved and cared for. But she knew Batman was right – there was nothing she could really do to protect them until she was back in her own body. Which she hoped would be very, very soon.

"Saving the best for last, huh, buddy?" asked Joker, as Batman freed Nightwing and then went to go free Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel.

"That must be it," agreed Batman, dryly.

"Well, that's the only explanation why you'd rescue the people who aren't actually being attacked by the plants over the people who are," retorted Joker.

"I always help innocent people first," replied Batman.

"That's definitely not true – you rescued your little Batbrat first, and he's anything but innocent, taking the law into his own hands and all," retorted Joker. "And those are Harley's parents, so also not innocent when you think about it – they're responsible for the birth of one of your most troublesome troublemakers. But I guess I'm more responsible for her creation, when you think about it…"

"Shut up, clown," snapped Mr. Quinzel.

"You're Harley's parents?" repeated Batman, cutting them free. "You must be very proud," he added.

"Hey, not all of Har…my decisions have been great, but I'm still a pretty great person, and my parents should definitely be proud of me!" snapped Ivy. "I have lots of great qualities aside from my submissiveness to an abusive psychopath. One of them is always seeing the good in people, which is probably why I'm so devoted to the abusive psychopath. But in Ivy's case too – I'm the only one who still really sees her humanity, and treats her like a human being, and I know that means a lot to her. I accept and respect the whole of the person, rather than just the side they want people to see, which I probably learned from my parents, because that's how parents should accept their child."

"True," agreed Joker, nodding. "I know that's how I'd feel about my daughter were I ever lucky enough to have one. Or maybe I already have been that lucky…"

He was cut off by the plant tightening around his throat. "I don't think I've turned out so bad, all things considered," continued Ivy. "I'm kind and sweet and smart, when I'm allowed to show it, and loyal to the people I love, which is a pretty rare quality in anyone. And I'd like to think even if I've made mistakes and changed into someone different than who I used to be…that my parents would still love that person unconditionally. The way I love the people in my life unconditionally."

"Oh, Harley, of course we do," said Mrs. Quinzel, embracing her. Ivy patted her on the back awkwardly. "And don't you worry," continued Mrs. Quinzel. "That's not about to change, even if you are pregnant out of wedlock."

"What?" demanded Batman, who had been trying to pull Joker free, but now suddenly let him snap back into the plant's clutches.

"Ok, I'm definitely not pregnant," snapped Ivy.

"Then why does the Joker keep talking about his daughter?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"Because…it's a long story," said Ivy. "But it has nothing to do with me being pregnant – it's just something that might have to do with his past before he became the Joker. But very probably not – in fact, I would say 100% certainly not."

"It's not 100% certain until you get a DNA test, sweetcheeks," retorted Joker, as Batman reluctantly began trying to pull him free again.

"Well, you'd better believe that's getting done ASAP," snapped Ivy. "Anyway, it's just a stupid joke of his, as usual. He says a lot of dumb things – you should try to ignore him."

"Easier said than done," muttered Batman. His grip on Joker's arm wasn't working – the plant held him fast, despite Batman's best efforts to cut through it, and so Batman grabbed Joker around the waist, trying a different angle.

"Careful, Batsy, people will talk," chuckled Joker, as Batman pulled him close. "This is another one of those situations where you kinda hope people don't have a camera. Or do, I guess."

"Shut up," muttered Batman. "I'm just trying to get a better grip."

"I can feel you are," chuckled Joker. "Just watch the goods there. Not that I mind you manhandling me normally, but I'd just prefer a little more privacy…"

"I said shut up!" snapped Batman, grabbing Joker's belt and trying to tug him free. "You're right – this whole situation would be a million times worse if somebody had a camera…"

"Or x-ray vision," said Joker, nodding behind Batman. "Would there be anything more embarrassing than having your little Justice League pal catching us in pla-grante delicto?"

"Yeah, well, I don't think there's any danger of that…" began Batman.

"Hi, Superman," said Nightwing suddenly.

"Hi, Nightwing, Batman…what's going on here?" asked Superman, as Batman turned slowly around to face him.

"It's definitely not what it looks like – Joker's stuck in a plant and I'm trying to release him," said Batman, hastily.

"He certainly is," chuckled Joker. "And he'll succeed if he keeps doing what he's doing…"

"Shut up!" repeated Batman, hauling him out of the plant at last. "What are you doing here, Superman?" he demanded. "You think I don't have everything under control here?"

"Actually, I'm not here of my own volition," replied Superman, nodding at the doorway, where the woman who appeared to be Poison Ivy and Two-Face entered the restaurant.

"You did good, Harvey," Harley was saying. "Even without using the coin, you decided that you absolutely wouldn't let Superman give you a piggyback fly here, and insisted on him flying us in the car. I'm proud of you for making that decision and sticking to it."

"Yeah, great, just give me my coin back, please," said Two-Face, holding out his hand.

"I'm telling you, you don't need it," replied Harley. "But we'll continue this conversation later – how're you doing, pud…I mean, Joker?" she asked, hurrying over to him. "I hope you're…hurt real bad. And how are Harley's parents doing?"

"Everyone's fine, Ivy," said Ivy, nodding at Harley. "I can see you were successful in getting Superman here."

"Yeah, but you don't wanna hear all the crap I had to go through to do it," sighed Harley. "Anyway, we should go, Harley – Superman can fly us to Jervis's real fast so we can get this mess cleaned up. We can even ride him piggyback if you want – I just think that would be a fun thing to do, and a fun thing to tell people about…"

"You're not going anywhere, Ivy," interrupted Batman, stepping in front of her. "You're stopping the plant attack on Gotham right now."

"I can't," retorted Harley. "For reasons I'm not going into, the plants are outta my control right now. But if Superman takes us to Jervis's, we can fix that."

"What's Tetch got to do with this?" asked Batman.

"You ask a lotta questions, and if you want the attack on Gotham to stop, I can't answer them right now," retorted Harley. "Harley, climb aboard," she said, gesturing to Superman. "Supey's gonna cooperate or he's gonna get Kryptonite in the face."

"I would love to climb aboard," said Ivy, looking Superman up and down and grinning. "That is a tall drink of water, and I'm feeling super thirsty."

"Uh…you know…Harley…it's not like you to be checking out other guys," reminded Harley. "Especially not boring hero types."

"Well, it definitely should be," retorted Ivy. "Everyone knows I can do so much better than the Joker. Ask anyone in this room."

"Oh, c'mon, this guy ain't better than me!" snapped Joker. "If it was Batsy, I can kinda see it, but this guy?! He's not even human! He's an alien from outer space, and frankly, we don't even know if his anatomy is similar to a human male where it counts, if you know what I mean!"

"Please don't speculate about my anatomy," said Superman, looking uncomfortable.

"You feel free to carry me, hot stuff," purred Ivy, sidling into his arms. "And you don't need to be gentle."

"Ivy, when this is over, can I have the Kryptonite?" muttered Two-Face, glaring at Superman.

"Sure thing," said Harley, nodding as she climbed onto Superman's back. "Now everyone stay here – we'll have this fixed in a jiffy, and we'll be back when everything is back to normal. Or as normal as things ever are around here, anyway," she sighed. "Joker, look after Harley's parents while she's gone, please."

"I sure will, toots," said Joker. "And I'm super impressed, by the way. Ain't every gal who can make Harvey man up without his coin and blackmail Superman into helping 'em out. You're a helluva dame sometimes."

"Yeah? You really think so, Mr…Joker?" asked Harley, gazing at him dreamily.

"I do," he said, nodding. "I'm proud of ya, kid."

"Well, I…loathe you, Joker, so…your compliments mean nothing to me," said Harley, smiling at him. "Bye."

"I loathe you too, kiddo," he murmured, smiling after her as Superman flew off.


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh, will this accursed day never end?" sighed Tetch, rubbing his temples. "I don't know how you manage to regularly stay up late, Jonathan – it's completely knocked me out for the rest of the day, even with an endless supply of tea. I'm worried the caffeine is beginning to lose its effect in pepping me up."

"I would say it's moved beyond that into the stages of addiction," retorted Crane.

"Yes, well, I need it to live, if that's what you mean," retorted Tetch, pouring another cup of tea from the pot. "I hope Harley gets back here soon, otherwise I'm going to take a nap and leave the damned device unmonitored. It's not like it can do any more damage."

"How on earth can you take a nap when Ivy's plants are tearing up the city?" demanded Crane.

"Oh, when isn't there chaos in Gotham?" asked Tetch. "If you can't learn to sleep through that, you'll never sleep at all."

"Well, Harley will be here soon," said Crane. "I have absolute faith in her having succeeded in her mission. She's so smart and capable – it's truly a shame she can't demonstrate those qualities around her paramour."

"Oh, I don't know," said Tetch. "Just because she isn't spouting trivial facts all the time doesn't make her unintelligent. And I believe the Joker thinks she's very capable – why else would he keep her around? He doesn't suffer fools gladly, and if you truly believe he doesn't feel any affection or love for her, the only reason must be because she's useful to him in some way. We all know how incompetent the usual henchmen help in Gotham is – he must rely on her competence for every task he undertakes. He's certainly generally more successful than the rest of us, and that's probably because he has Harley to rely on."

"Yes, you don't need to remind me that he's a luckier man than all of us in every way," retorted Crane. "Believe me, I know. And he doesn't deserve any of it."

"I don't believe luck is concerned with merit," replied Tetch. "It's just random and nonsensical, like the Joker, which must be why it gravitates toward him."

"I thought opposites attracted," said Crane.

"Only in science," replied Tetch. "Which has no place in nonsense. That's why there are no rules of physics in Wonderland – one can grow to enormous or tiny size simply by eating or drinking. I used to think that was just complete nonsense, but since I've managed to switch people's bodies simply by spilling tea, I'm beginning to wonder if that's something that could somehow be invented."

"Please don't even consider it – the last thing we need is a 100-foot Joker showing up somehow," sighed Crane.

"Yes, it probably would work out like that," sighed Tetch. "Nothing ever works out the way I want it to. Which makes that god as Joker theory more plausible the more I think about it."

"Yeah, he _is_ kinda a god," sighed a voice, and they both turned to see Superman floating in front of their window, with what appeared to be Poison Ivy, who had dreamily spoken those words, hitching a piggyback ride, while the woman who appeared to be Harley Quinn was swooning in Superman's arms. "I mean, a god among men, a sex god, you name it," continued Harley in Ivy's body.

"That's most disturbing coming out of Ivy's mouth," said Crane, as Superman flew in through the window. "Not that it would really be any less disturbing coming out of Harley's mouth, but at least it would make more sense."

"Harley, you can let go now," Superman said, attempting to deposit Ivy down on the floor, but she clung on determinedly.

"That ain't Harley," sighed Harley, hopping to the ground. "That's the problem. Red and me have switched bodies, and we need your alien powers to switch us back."

"How did you get switched in the first place?" asked Superman, who managed to disentangle himself from Ivy's embrace at last.

Everyone turned to look at Tetch. "It wasn't my fault – it was an accident!" he exclaimed.

"It was an accident that only could have occurred by you playing around with alien technology like an idiot man," retorted Ivy.

"How did you get your hands on alien technology?" demanded Superman.

"Well, Batman…accused me of inventing it, which I didn't, but then he hurried off to confront you about it, and in his haste, he just…forgot to collect it back from me," said Tetch, slowly. "So I took it."

"And you thought it would be fun to just mess around with the space-time continuum, did you?" asked Superman. "You think bending the fabric of space and time is all just an amusing game?"

"Well, it certainly appears that way in fiction…" began Tetch.

"But this isn't fiction, is it?" demanded Superman.

"Ah, now that's a debate," said Tetch, smiling at him. "What is reality, after all? Are we not all figures in the Red King's dream? Perhaps we are all fictional characters written in a story by some mysterious author who controls our destinies…"

"Ok, let me put it like this, it's a real mess you've gotten everyone into, isn't it?" interrupted Superman.

"Yes, it is," agreed Tetch, apologetically. "And I'm truly very sorry for the trouble I've caused, particularly the destruction of so much of the city due to Ivy's plants rampaging. If there was some way I could pay for the damage…"

"Oh no, you ain't doing that," spoke up Harley. "The Bat destroys large chunks of the city all the time, and he never pays for it, so why should you? At least yours was just an honest mistake, but it's an honest mistake I want fixed ASAP," she said, shoving the device into Superman's hands.

Superman studied it. "Yes, I recognize it – some kind of matter transposer. Batman did come to see me about this, and I told him there's a lot of alien contraband being smuggled onto this planet and while I do my best, I can't keep track of all of it on top of the thousands of other crimes I'm stopping every day."

"Isn't that what you have your little Justice League for?" demanded Harley. "I mean, I know tracking down contraband isn't as glamorous or as photo-op worthy as saving kittens, but it's still pretty worthwhile, doncha think? Jesus, you people come here and cause insane amounts of problems, but you're only interested in cleaning up the ones that make you look good. Don't you think planet earth has enough messes without you adding super-messes to 'em?"

"Harley, if there are more aliens like him out there, I, for one, am welcoming them with open arms," said Ivy.

"Not with my arms, you ain't," retorted Harley. "Just switch us back now, Supey, and stop making excuses for yourself, you big, super-powered bully."

"Goodness, she's magnificent," sighed Crane, gazing at her adoringly.

"I didn't know you had feelings for Ivy, Scarecrow," said Superman, who glanced up from the device to see him staring at her.

"For…Ivy?" stammered Crane, incredulous, but then he realized that pretending he had a crush on Ivy was far less embarrassing than admitting his crush on Harley. "Why yes…Ivy…of course no man can resist her," he said, slowly. "But it's just a meaningless pathetic little crush which I'm sure will pass in no time at all…"

"Aw, that's cute though, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "You and Red should go out for a date when she gets her own body back. Who knows? Opposites attract – you two might make a good couple."

Both Ivy and Crane laughed, and then noticed the look on Harley's face. "Oh…you weren't joking," said Ivy, slowly. "That's my serious face."

"Really, Harley, I do hate to contradict you, but we wouldn't be a good match at all logically…" began Crane.

"But love ain't got nothing to do with logic, Johnny," said Harley. "Or else I'd be crazy to be head over heels for Mr. J. You should just go out for dinner once, just to see where it goes."

"If I was still in Harley's body, I know exactly where he'd want it to go," muttered Ivy under her breath.

"Shut up, woman!" hissed Crane.

"See, you're whispering sweet nothings to each other and everything," sighed Harley. "If that ain't the promising start to a beautiful relationship, then I don't know what is. Though now that I think about it, Harvey might get jealous and try to beat you up, Johnny…"

"Harvey doesn't own me!" snapped Ivy. "I can go out with any guy I wanna!"

"But you really don't want to go out with me, do you, Ivy?" asked Crane, desperately. "It's all right, there's no hard feelings, so please don't feel bad about saying it…"

"No, I'm gonna do it just to spite Harvey if he tries and forbids me!" snapped Ivy. "He doesn't control me like that! No man controls me like that!"

"How's it coming, Superman?" spoke up Tetch, trying to distract his friend from the mounting terror he could read across his face.

"Fine, I think," said Superman, who had been examining the device carefully. "Fortunately the transposer's effects were only designed to be temporary – they're only meant to last for what would translate into 24 hours on earth. All I need to do is find some way to trick the transposer into thinking that 24 hours have passed, and that the earth has completed one rotation around its axis."

"How are you going to do that?" asked Tetch.

"Simple. I'm going to fly this thing around the earth's axis," retorted Superman. "Be back in a second," he said, zooming out the window.

"Surely he doesn't actually mean a second…" began Tetch.

"Here you go," said Superman, reappearing suddenly and tossing the device at Tetch. "It should reset everything back to normal just about…now."

There was a loud popping, the room seemed to shake, and Ivy suddenly breathed a sigh of relief from her own body. "Thank God, I feel like myself again," she murmured. "And I can sense my babies again…babies, stop attacking Gotham now. No, Mommy says now. Now!" she shouted, and the plants that had been raging outside instantly began to slink down in shame, crawling sheepishly back under the ground.

Harley also breathed a sigh of relief, stretching in her own body. "Gosh, I've missed being me," she sighed. "I never thought I'd say this, but thanks, Superman."

"Happy to help," said Superman, nodding at her. "Now I'm taking this to prevent disasters like this in the future," he said, confiscating the device.

"Yes, very well," sighed Tetch. "I suppose that's best – at least nothing like this will accidentally happen again. The last thing we need is a sorry sequel to this whole affair."

"I'm glad you're seeing sense for once," said Superman. "I'm heading home to Metropolis now. Tell Batman to call if he needs any help cleaning up the city."

"Why don't you just go do that?" asked Harley. "It'll take you like, two seconds, right?"

"I don't want to step on Batman's toes," replied Superman. "Trust me, he's a surprisingly touchy guy, and sometimes doesn't take help in the spirit with which it was given. I think he sometimes sees it as me showing off my super powers, and resents it."

"Well, at least he ain't totally crazy," said Harley. "But before you go, can you drop us back off in Blüdhaven? It's on your way."

"Oooh, yes, please," said Ivy, throwing herself into Superman's arms again. "It'll be nice to experience this in my own body. And hey handsome, if you're not doing anything later, maybe we could go for a drink."

"Don't you already have a date with Scarecrow?" asked Superman.

"No, she does not!" retorted Crane.

"I can date more than one guy – I'm a modern woman, sweetie," said Ivy, smiling at Superman.

"Well, I'm an old-fashioned kinda guy who's seeing someone, so…no, thanks," said Superman.

"Aw, that's sweet," said Ivy, reaching for her lipstick in her bosom. She frowned. "Harley, where's my mind-control lipstick?" she demanded.

"Oh yeah, sorry, Red," said Harley. "I think it fell out on the way here. I'm not used to having enough cleavage to store things in, so I just didn't notice. You can make another one though, right?"

"Yes, but not here and now," growled Ivy, sullenly. "What a terrible end to a terrible day. And I still don't know who my father is, which J is gonna keep bringing up, so that particular nightmare isn't over yet," she sighed. "And speaking of nightmares, I also have to go out with Johnny just to show Harvey I can."

"You really don't…" began Crane.

"Yeah, but at least you're back in your own body again," interrupted Harley. "So look on the bright side. You kinda take your own form for granted until you're trapped in someone else's, but let me tell you, I've never been so relieved to be me. I think it's a valuable lesson for everyone about self-acceptance and body image. We always think the grass is greener until we're stuck in someone else's body, but it only makes you appreciate your own body more. And my body is dying to be reunited with a certain clown's, so let's get to Blüdhaven ASAP. Supey, mush!" she commanded, climbing onto his back again.

Crane and Tetch watched them fly off out the window. "I'm not going out with Ivy," said Crane, firmly. "Not under any circumstances."

"I'm sure she's no more keen than you are," replied Tetch. "Anyway, I'm sure you won't have to. She's a reasonable woman – she's not going to suffer through an evening with a man she has no interest in just to make another man jealous."

"Isn't she?" demanded Crane. "That certainly sounds like her plan, and frankly it doesn't sound hugely out of character for her! She's not at all a reasonable woman – she's completely insane!"

"Yes, well, today hasn't worked out very well for either of us," sighed Tetch. "I accidentally destroyed a huge portion of the city, and I lost the device. I hadn't even scratched the surface of its potential, but now Superman's going to hide it away in some secret vault probably chock full of all kinds of curious and wondrous alien technology which is off limits to us mere mortals…"

"Yes, if only someone had planted a tracking device on it," said Crane, lightly.

Tetch stared at him. "You did?" he gasped.

"Well, I figured he'd try and take it away," said Crane, shrugging. "You know what those superhero types are like. Always thinking they know best, and that they're the only ones who should be allowed to have access to things like that. They think we mere mortals are too irresponsible, and I suppose we haven't really contradicted that by spilling tea on it twice. But to err is human, after all, which those god-like perfectionists can't possibly understand. Anyway, if our theory is correct, and there is a Joker-like god, I thought it would be a shame to just accept what he doles out without putting up a bit of a fight. Sometimes it's better to tempt fate, don't you agree?"

"I do," said Tetch, nodding. "Which means we're going on super-burglary. Now where the devil are my lockpicks?"


	11. Chapter 11

"All I'm saying is, I already have multiple origin stories, each one more dark and gritty than the last," Joker was saying. "Y'know, the red hood one, the gangster one, the family guy who has one bad day one, it's all been done. So frankly I'm interested in seeing a movie that can do a fresh new take on my character, maybe a classic superhero origin like getting bitten by radioactive clown. Now that's a movie I would pay to see, and I'm betting lots of other people would too."

"Yes, that sounds…interesting," said Mrs. Quinzel, politely.

"I wouldn't pay to see it," muttered Mr. Quinzel.

"Agreed," said Batman, who had handcuffed Joker and Two-Face to the table.

"You probably wouldn't pay to see any movie that has me stealing your spotlight," retorted Joker. "It's always all about you, isn't it? _Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Batman Begins_ , _Batman vs. Superman_ , Batman, Batman, Batman! I bet people are sick of hearing your name. For a guy in a mask, you certainly crave a lotta attention. If Hollywood is looking for ideas, instead of the endless sequels and reboots, it should start paying attention to some of the other, more interesting people in your life. Like you, Junior," he said, turning to Nightwing. "I'm sure there's a fascinating story about how your teenage angst drove you to reject Batman's mentorship and then basically become him by taking justice into your own hands in a neighboring city. It would be kinda a tragic, fatalistic story about how you can't escape your destiny of being a vigilante nutcase. But then children do often emulate their parents, don't they? I know my potential child is also a supercriminal…"

"What potential child?" demanded Batman. "I thought Harley said she wasn't pregnant!"

"Well, not that she knows of," said Joker, shrugging. "But accidents can happen, can't they? I assume that's why you have so many Robins – you keep accidentally having kids and then trying to get rid of them, and they're sure to die if you make 'em your sidekicks, what with so many criminals gunning for you…"

Batman shoved a napkin into his mouth, silencing him.

"Thank you," sighed Nightwing. "Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him, Bats."

"Reluctantly," retorted Batman, glaring at Joker. "Are you going to be ok having to clean this place up, Nightwing?" he asked, turning to him. "Only I'm going to have a mess to clean up in Gotham."

"Sure," said Nightwing. "I mean, it'll take a while, but there's nothing we can do about that…"

"I could help," spoke up Superman, flying into the restaurant at that moment.

"No, thanks," retorted Batman, before Nightwing could gratefully accept. "We can handle it."

"I really wouldn't mind..." began Superman.

"And I would appreciate it..." began Nightwing.

"I said no!" snapped Batman. "We don't need your super-powered help, Superman! Just go back to Metropolis!"

Superman shrugged. "Told you," he muttered, as Harley hopped off his back. "Ivy, please, let go," he said, attempting to deposit her on the ground again.

"Red, c'mon, leave the alien weirdo alone," said Harley, trying to pull her off.

"Well, at least everything's clearly back to normal," sighed Two-Face. "Although we figured that out when the plants suddenly disappeared back underground."

"Would someone like to explain what happened?" asked Batman. Joker raised his hand. "Someone other than Joker?" asked Batman.

"Nope, you just need to know that it's over now," said Harley, who had managed to drag Ivy away. She skipped over to Joker, removing the napkin and planting a kiss on his lips. "Missed you, puddin'," she purred. "And Mom and Dad, it's so great to see you again!" she said, throwing herself into their arms.

"You've only been gone a few minutes, Harley," said Mr. Quinzel.

"It seemed like a lot longer than that," sighed Harley. "I haven't felt like myself all day."

"Is that because of your pregnancy?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"What pregnancy?" demanded Harley. "What have you been telling people, Mr. J?" she demanded, rounding on him.

"He's been talking about his potential daughter," growled Ivy, glaring at him. "Which has understandably confused and annoyed everyone."

"So no one's going to tell me what's going on?" demanded Batman.

"You're the world's greatest detective – you figure it out," retorted Harley.

Batman glared at her, and then slapped handcuffs on her. "You're all coming back to Arkham with me," he said, dragging her away and handcuffing her to the table. "Much as I hate to break up the little family reunion, you're actually all supposed to still be incarcerated."

"Aw, c'mon, Bats," said Harley. "None of us meant to cause any trouble – we just found ourselves in a situation where it became necessary. We haven't really done anything wrong."

"I think the citizens of Gotham and Blüdhaven would have to disagree with you," retorted Batman, approaching Ivy in order to handcuff her.

"Red, if you feel in your pocket, I think you'll find something useful to help us outta this situation," said Harley.

Ivy obeyed her, pulling out the chunk of Kryptonite. "This isn't any good against Batman…" she began, but then she realized what Harley was talking about, and turned to Superman. "Sorry, handsome," she said. "But I need you to remove these Bat-freaks while we make our getaway."

"I will not…" began Superman, but he fell back, hissing in pain, as Ivy approached him.

"You will," she said. "Now fly 'em outta here, or this goes right in that pretty face of yours."

Superman glared at her, but he really had no choice against the relentless force of the Kryptonite. "Ok," he growled. "C'mon, Batman, Nightwing, let's go," he said, grabbing each of them by the arm and flying into the air.

"Superman, you put me down right now!" roared Batman, trying to struggle against him. "I have to take them back to Arkham!"

"Oooh, tell me somebody's filming this!" chuckled Joker, as Batman was flown out of the building against his will by Superman's superior strength. "Because that's a viral video for sure!"

"I could have probably used the Kryptonite to blackmail Superman into dating me instead," sighed Ivy, as she summoned her plants to smash the locks on the handcuffs. "That might have been worth going back to Arkham for."

"I wouldn't bet on it," growled Two-Face, snatching the Kryptonite from her.

"Give that back – I might still do that!" snapped Ivy, grabbing it back from him. "I can date anyone I want, Harvey, and don't you forget it! In fact, I'm going on a date with Scarecrow later!"

"What? Why?" asked Two-Face, more confused than anything else.

"To show you I can!" snapped Ivy.

"I know you can, but why would you want to?" asked Two-Face.

"Because I'm a free woman who makes my own decisions, that's why!" snapped Ivy. "And I'm not a slave to any man!"

"But if you're doing this to prove you're not controlled by a man, aren't you actually being controlled by a man because you need to prove to him you're not?" asked Two-Face.

"Don't try to confuse me with your facts and logic!" snapped Ivy.

"I'm real sorry about all this, Mom and Dad," said Harley. "We should go someplace that ain't been ravaged by plants to have a nice, quiet meal together and catch up. Unfortunately, that's probably most of Gotham at the moment. We probably should have hitched a ride to Metropolis with the Superfreak."

"But Harley, with the Batfreaks out of our hair and the city ravaged by plant destruction, this place is like a Joker-wonderland!" exclaimed Joker. "We can go wild, do whatever we want…"

He trailed off when he noticed Harley's expression. "Or we can…go to a nice, quiet café and talk," he muttered. "That sounds like…fun."

"Why don't you go play outside, Mr. J?" asked Harley, seeing him twitching restlessly already. "Me and Mom and Dad can have a nice dinner together, and maybe take a scenic walk or two in the Botanical Gardens, assuming those weren't destroyed by the plants. So maybe don't play around there where we might get hurt, huh? Destroy some other part of the city."

"I sure will, pumpkin," said Joker, kissing her. "Great seeing you again, Mr. and Mrs. Q, but I got some chaos to cause!" he exclaimed, hurrying off giggling hysterically to himself.

"Sometimes if you want the grown-ups to talk, you just gotta let the kiddies go play," sighed Harley. "And that's what Mr. J is – he's just a big, grown-up kid with no respect for rules or boundaries, or sense of remorse, or conscience, or moral compass."

"Probably not a great candidate for a father figure, Harley," commented Mr. Quinzel.

"I don't see why not – he can relate to the kiddies," said Harley. "Anyway, I don't think we need to worry about that just yet."

"Maybe you don't," muttered Ivy. "But speaking of which, maybe there's a way I can have a productive date with Scarecrow after all…"


	12. Chapter 12

"You suggested we go to the Hall of Records so you could research your father, didn't you?" demanded Crane. "So much for this date."

"You didn't wanna go on one anyway," retorted Ivy, pulling out records from a filing cabinet. "And you academic types love researching dry, boring stuff. At least this way I'm asserting my independence as a woman, and doing something worthwhile at the same time."

"You're implying that asserting your independence as a woman isn't worthwhile?" asked Crane.

"I'm just multi-tasking," retorted Ivy. "It's something women are good at. Now get searching," she snapped, shoving the files at him.

"We're looking for what, the record of your birth?" asked Crane, scanning the files. "Would your mother even have put him down as your father if he abandoned her? It's entirely possible that the reason she never told you who he was was that she didn't know herself."

"What are you implying about my mother?" demanded Ivy.

"Nothing," said Crane. "Just that the apple might not fall far from the tree," he muttered under his breath.

"No, she knew," said Ivy, ignoring him. "And anyway, it's not hugely important who he is exactly, just as long as he's not J. I've got a lab doing a DNA test as we speak. Harley had to get me a sample of J's DNA – I told her a blood or semen sample, just as long as she never told me how she got it, and as long as she dropped it off at the lab so I never had to know. But I thought as long as we're waiting, why not try things the old-fashioned way? See if we can get a name, and find out his history, and see if he's dead, and go kill him if he's not."

"I said I wasn't comfortable with any sex or violence on this date, and I meant it," retorted Crane. "I'll have no part in murdering your father – he didn't do anything to me."

"He might have bullied you," retorted Ivy. "He's probably around your age – you might have gone to school with him for all I know."

"I suppose anything's possible," agreed Crane, nodding. "But it would seem very unlikely, and almost unbelievably coincidental."

"After the day I've had, I'd believe anything at this point," said Ivy. "Your hat friend talks a lotta crap, but I'm starting to come round to his way of thinking about believing in impossible things. Which is why I'm starting to actually get paranoid that J might be my father. I just don't know how I'd cope. The thought that we might have anything in common makes me feel physically ill, and the thought that I could have come from him is just too horrible to think about. But I guess it would follow a pattern in my life – awful men seem to make me into the woman I am today. Which I suppose makes Harvey right – I do seem to give men power over my life just by trying to assert my independence from them."

"Well, even if Joker did somehow technically create you, the fact that he wasn't in your life means he didn't have anything to do with the woman you are today," retorted Crane. "So take some consolation from that."

"Mostly I just have to believe that my mother wasn't that crazy," said Ivy. "She was a smart, sensible, confident woman who could have done a lot better."

"Yes, well, women do seem to fawn over that monster, for some reason," sniffed Crane. "Especially beautiful, smart, sweet, sensitive, kind, caring women who could do so much better…"

"Please stop," interrupted Ivy. "I don't want to hear anymore about your pathetic crush on Harley. That is something that's never gonna happen, so you should just get over it."

"Easier said than done," retorted Crane. "Obviously you've never cared very deeply for someone you couldn't be with."

"Oh, sure I have," said Ivy. "It sucks, but we all have to move on eventually. No point in moping and whining about it and prolonging the misery – it just makes you feel bad about yourself, trying to find reasons why the person doesn't want to be with you. And in Harley's case, there's no point in trying to rationalize that relationship. She and J are not something that anyone can explain, because it's completely insane. I'm not sure even they understand it."

"Harley would say that's love," sighed Crane. "Complete insanity. And she'd be right – as you say, it's crazy to pine over someone you can't have. But no one has ever accused me of being sane before."

"Less talking, more reading," retorted Ivy.

"I suppose in many ways that is my ideal date," agreed Crane, returning his attention to the files.

Ivy's phone rang suddenly, and she answered it instantly. "Hello? Yes, speaking. Yes. Yes, I'm aware my DNA is corrupted by chlorophyll, but you can still get the results, right? No, it's a condition I've had for some time, and it's perfectly fine. Yeah, I don't know what exactly is in his, but he's aware of that too – he's also lived with the condition for some time, and he's fine. Well, not fine, but used to it, I guess. Ok. Ok, thank you," she said, hanging up the phone and breathing a sigh of relief.

"It's negative," she said, beaming at Crane. "J is not my dad, thank God. We share no genetic similarities whatsoever. Well, except the fact that our DNA has been mutated, but that's because of completely different circumstances."

"Congratulations," said Crane. "Your worst fear has not come to pass. Are you still interested in finding out who your father is?"

"I guess," said Ivy, shrugging. "It might be useful to know, or at least have a name…"

She paused, noticing that Crane had fallen silent and pale staring at the open folder in front of him. "What is it?" she asked.

"I have a name," he murmured.

"What is it?" demanded Ivy.

"James Rosenberg," murmured Crane.

"Who the hell is that?" she demanded

"Your father, apparently," he replied, handing her the file. "Also the lawyer on retainer by Gotham University to handle all their legal difficulties."

"My dad was a lawyer?" asked Ivy. "Well, that makes sense – those people are always a little slimy. Harvey excepted, of course."

"James Rosenberg was more than slimy," muttered Crane. "He was vindictive. He was the one who encouraged the University to fire me to save themselves any legal backlash and embarrassment from my experiments on students. Students who volunteered to be experimented on, let me add. He was by far the loudest voice of condemnation at my hearing, even louder than that idiot Dr. Long, telling me what I had done was completely unethical, monstrous, and insane. He said the students would have every right to sue me for their trauma, and that he would encourage them to do so, even though the risks were clearly outlined in the contracts I had everyone sign. He was a self-important, self-assured, holier-than-thou, morally superior creep, which infuriates me now that I know he abandoned his wife and child. How dare he preach to me about ethics and morality?"

"I'm not surprised by the hypocrisy of humans anymore, and you shouldn't be either," retorted Ivy. "You're older than me, after all. Old enough to be prosecuted by my dad."

"Yes, thank you," snapped Crane. "You don't need to remind of that fact. Anyway, you don't resemble him at all physically, although I suppose he was considered an attractive man. The students who testified against me were mostly female, clearly besotted, and encouraged by him to play up the crying routine, which they gladly did. He certainly played up the nice guy persona for the cameras, the no-nonsense, zero tolerance for any kind of bad behavior attitude. Clearly he was fairly two-faced, which is another trait of most lawyers, Harvey included."

"Ironically, Harvey isn't actually two-faced anymore," said Ivy. "I mean, he is literally, but not figuratively."

"You've correctly used both those terms – you're becoming more attractive to me by the second, my dear," replied Crane, dryly.

"The feeling's not mutual," retorted Ivy, heading over to the computer. "You don't know if he's still at the University, do you? He's probably retired by now."

"I have no clue – I really had tried to block him from my mind until I was unpleasantly reminded of him," said Crane. "I was sort of hoping I'd killed him in my first fear gas attack on the University, but knowing the cockroach that he is, he survived somehow. He might not even have been at the event I attacked - I don't recall all the faces there."

"We should find out," said Ivy. "And make him pay for what he did to both of us."

"How are we going to do that?" asked Crane. "These records are unlikely to provide us with his career path or current whereabouts…"

"That's what computers are for, grandpa," retorted Ivy, opening a search engine. "If he's a lawyer, he's gonna have a website, or some record of his career – those people make a living from advertising and publicity. See, here he is," she said, opening a link. "Wow, he is pretty good-looking," she agreed, seeing a picture of a handsome, older man with streaks of black in his otherwise silver hair. "I can see why Mom went for that – quite the silver fox."

"Yes. Never mind he has the personality of a snake, as long as he's good-looking, women want to be with him," sighed Crane, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, I still hate him, but it's comforting to know that Mom wasn't crazy," said Ivy. "At least my insanity isn't hereditary. Looks like he did leave the University and went into private practice. His office isn't too far from here."

"What are the chances he'd be working this late?" asked Crane, glancing at his watch.

"We can just go see, and if he's not there, we can just have my plants break into his office and destroy his property," said Ivy. "Come on, it'll be fun. You've tried to kill him before, and you can't say he didn't do anything to you now."

Crane sighed heavily. "Well, I do enjoy taking vengeance upon those who've wronged me," he sighed, reaching into his pocket and removing some vials of fear toxin.

"You brought fear gas on our date?" asked Ivy.

"Yes, I thought I might need it to make a quick getaway in case things got awkward," said Crane. "I usually take it with me everywhere as a precaution. As a wanted, fairly recognizable supercriminal, one can't be too careful, and one never knows when one will need a distraction. Especially after the heist Jervis and I perpetrated earlier."

"What heist?" asked Ivy. "It better not be the Gotham Mint – I was gonna hit that later this week."

"No, it wasn't in Gotham," said Crane, vaguely. "It was just some technical items Jervis wanted – he was fairly bitter about Superman taking away his technology, so he stole some things to make himself feel better."

"I guess that's fair," said Ivy. "I've done some burglary therapy myself when I've been down before. Just as long as they're not dangerous alien things. The last thing I want is the little runt doing anything like what he did today."

"Yes, they're not…dangerous alien things," said Crane, slowly, as he followed her out of the Hall of Records. "For the most part," he muttered under his breath.


	13. Chapter 13

James Rosenberg was, in fact, working late at his office. Or rather, he had just finished enjoying a late-night rendezvous with his secretary, and was now reviewing the work she had done on his latest case before it went to trial the next day. She was a bright kid, he thought, puffing out a cigarette, as well as an attractive one – a cute little intern putting herself through law school, and willing to use her brains and her body to get the most out of her education. James predicted that she would go far with an attitude like that, and a willingness to do whatever it took to get ahead, after a little coaxing, of course.

He was interrupted from his reminiscing with a knock on his door. "Did you forget something, Chrissy?" he called, standing up to answer it with a smile. "Aside from forgetting to give me a goodnight kiss, of course…"

He trailed off as he opened the door to an attractive green-skinned woman. "You're not Chrissy," he said, frowning.

"No, I'm Poison Ivy," said the woman. "You might have heard of me."

"I have, of course," said James, nodding. "How can I help you, Miss Ivy? Are you looking for legal representation after your latest attack on Gotham today? Because I make it a point never to defend supercriminals. I can't in good conscience endorse your insane and immoral attacks on the innocent people of this city."

"How noble of you," sneered Ivy. "That must be what attracts Chrissy to you, huh? Your sense of honor and morality."

"Chrissy is my secretary, and an adult woman capable of making her own choices," retorted James.

"By adult you mean what, eighteen?" asked Ivy. "A barely legal adult, right? I saw her leave just now, and she couldn't be much older than that. God, I knew you were a creep, but I was secretly hoping you weren't that much of one. But I guess I always knew in my heart that you were."

"I don't know what you're talking about," retorted James. "We haven't met before, have we? I think I would have remembered," he added with a smile, trying out the charm offensive, which almost always worked with women. "I've seen you on the news, but your mugshot really doesn't do you justice."

"Oh my God, are you actually trying to flirt with me?" demanded Ivy. "You must think you're really hot stuff, despite your age. Catnip to the ladies, huh?"

"I can only judge from my experience," replied James, shrugging. "But I'm probably not to everyone's taste. Just most women's," he added.

"Cocky bastard too," sighed Ivy. "Jesus, he's exactly what I thought he'd be like, which is in many ways not a surprise, and yet still disappointing."

"You should let him go into full-blown sermonizing mode – then you'd be in for a real treat," spoke up a voice behind Ivy. "The morality lecture is always entertaining coming from a man like that."

James's eyes widened as he recognized Ivy's companion. "You!" he gasped.

"Yes, me," agreed Crane, stepping forward. "A man who neither forgives nor forgets insults given to him. Although how a man like you has the gall to criticize me is absolutely baffling to me."

"You actually think you're better than me?" asked James. "You're even more deluded than I thought, Crane! You're some washed up, desperate, criminal freak, and I'm a highly successful lawyer, hugely respected in my field and able to have any woman I want. I think I have every right to criticize a loser like you."

"No, you do not!" snapped Ivy. "You're worse than he could ever be, and the damage you have done is completely unforgivable!"

"Damage?" repeated James. "Getting some psychotic nutjob fired from his job?"

"This isn't about Johnny!" snapped Ivy. "This is about me, and my mother!"

"What are you talking about?" asked James. "What have I ever done to you or your mother?"

"My mother was Lillian Isley!" shouted Ivy.

James stared at her aghast. "Lillian?" he repeated. "Then you're…you're…"

"Pamela Isley," finished Ivy, nodding. "Your daughter."

"Pamela?" gasped James. "No. No, that's impossible…"

"Why? Because you think we'd just shrivel up and die after you abandoned us?" demanded Ivy. "You think you could just forget about us and that we'd disappear? That's not how life works, Dad," she sneered. "Sooner or later, you're going to have to face the consequences of your actions."

"Pamela, now…now listen," stammered James. "You have to understand…it was a difficult time…I was trying to start my career as a lawyer, and it was tricky…having a wife and child around…finding the time…and making connections..."

"I don't want excuses!" shouted Ivy. "I don't even want an apology, although any decent person would have offered me that first! But you're not a decent person, Dad, I've always known that even before I met you. Mom never spoke a bad word about you, but I always knew the kind of man you were. Selfish, conceited, not caring about anyone else but yourself and your ambitions. Happy to sacrifice other people to achieve your goals. Maybe I inherited that from you, after all. Maybe parents can influence a child even when they're not there, because I've certainly learned not to care about human beings, just like you. I guess I can thank you for that, and for giving me life, but that's about it. So thank you, Dad," she said, holding out her hand to summon her plants.

"Why don't you give her the speech about ethics and decency, Mr. Rosenberg?" asked Crane, holding up a small vial of fear toxin and then smashing it on the ground. "How they're so important to you and to society, how anybody who doesn't act in morally upright ways should be condemned and punished, how their lives should be completely destroyed. How bad people should be shunned and tormented without mercy. As the fair-minded man you claim to be, surely that applies to everyone who falls short of your precious morality, you disgusting hypocrite?"

"Pamela, please…I'm sorry…" stammered James, as the plant tightened around his throat.

"My name is Poison Ivy," murmured Ivy. "And you're not sorry. You're just hoping that saying that will spare your life. But this is the only way to really make people disappear. I won't make your mistake of forgetting and hoping they go away. I learned from you to finish what you start, one way or another, so it doesn't come back to bite you one day. Goodbye, Dad," she murmured, turning away and leaving the plant to finish its work.

"You're right, Pamela, that was fun," agreed Crane, as they left the office together. "I had my reservations about this date, but I've actually had a good time."

"Me too," agreed Ivy.

"May I walk you home?" he asked, holding out his arm.

Ivy glared at him. "That's benevolent sexism, you jerk!" she snapped. "I'll see myself home, like any strong, independent woman should, and I don't need a man's protection to feel safe!"

"Oh…of course…as you wish," stammered Crane as she stormed off. "Goodnight then." He sighed. "Just when you think we might actually start to get along, she goes back into crazy mode," he muttered. His phone rang at that moment, and he answered it. "Jervis, hello."

"Hello, how's the date?" asked Tetch.

"It's over – Ivy's gone home, and I'm heading back to ours now," said Crane. "But it was surprisingly enjoyable – we found out who her father was. Turns out he was an old enemy of mine, so Ivy and I murdered him."

"That sounds…delightful," said Tetch, slowly. "But I'm glad you're heading back – I hate being on my own here. I keep thinking those super-powered bullies are going to find out what we've done and hunt us down."

"I've told you, as long as you've hidden what we stole in a lead-lined box, it should be fine," said Crane. "Superman can't see through lead."

"How long do you think we'll have to wait until they stop hunting for it, and we can use the technology freely?" asked Tetch. "I'm just very excited to get to work on it, but at the same time fearful of being discovered."

"As Superman said, they have other things to worry about than alien contraband," said Crane. "After a preliminary search, they'll probably give up after a couple days. But for God's sake, whatever you do, leave the one that switches bodies alone."

"I will, I will," said Tetch, nodding as he discreetly slid the matter transposer back into his pocket. "Cross my heart and hope to lie…"

…

Ivy's phone rang on her walk back home, and she answered it. "Hi, Harley."

"Hi, Red, did you get the DNA test results yet?" asked Harley.

"I did, and the good news is, J isn't my dad," said Ivy.

"Well, that's a relief," sighed Harley.

"For both of us," agreed Ivy.

"I was worried the sample might not be good enough after it had been in my mouth," said Harley. "I was afraid I might have corrupted it or something."

"Why…did you have J's blood in your mouth?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

"Not his blood, Red, the other thing you asked for," giggled Harley. "I just didn't swallow like I usually do…"

"Oh my God, shut up right now!" exclaimed Ivy. "That's not an image anybody wants! Oh God!" she shouted, shutting her eyes to try and block out the scene. "As if today hasn't been disturbing enough!"

"Well, c'mon, Red, he'd been in the mood all morning, as you well know, but then he had to wait until we got our bodies back, and he was even more in the mood after causing chaos all afternoon, so after my parents left, it was really the least I could do for him," said Harley. "I told him it was for you, and he said he was happy to help you out..."

"I said shut up!" shrieked Ivy. "Oh God, and I've seen it now and everything!"

"Yep, you're a lucky gal," sighed Harley. "Not many people have seen it, unlike Batman's. Did you see those leaked photos of his manhood they printed? Suddenly all those fancy cars of his make sense, from a Freudian perspective. I blame Selina – she was probably pissed at him for some reason and sent the pictures of his Batawang to the media. Of course now they're trying to hush it up and censor it, but the damage has been done…"

"No, I haven't seen it, but now I need to to get J's out of my head," interrupted Ivy. "Thanks for the tip, Harley, goodnight," she said, hanging up the phone.

She entered her apartment, scrolling through some photos. "You're back early," commented Two-Face.

"I told you I would be - it wasn't even a real date," retorted Ivy, not looking up from her phone. "It was surprisingly all right though. You wanna see a picture of Batman's junk?"

"…no," said Two-Face, slowly. "Why do you even have that? It was a date with Scarecrow you had, right?"

"Yeah, I found these on the internet on the way home," said Ivy. "Harley told me about 'em – I hate to admit it, but J is bigger," she sighed. "So are you, of course," she added, kissing him.

"That's…good to know, I guess," said Two-Face. "If it ever comes up in conversation, which I am one hundred percent sure it won't."

"You never know with the freaks we deal with," sighed Ivy. "J will probably try and send a photo of his into the papers just to prove it's bigger, and Harley will try and stop him. Do you ever wish you could just unsee things, or forget things ever happened, like all of today?"

"Yeah," agreed Two-Face. "The hat guy's working on a memory wiping machine, right?"

"Maybe," said Ivy. "Johnny said they boosted a bunch of technology earlier, so hopefully there's a memory wipe thing among them. We should definitely prod him in that direction if he isn't working on it. I'd pay him a lotta money for it."

"I might," said Two-Face. "But the risk in that is that you might end up forgetting things you don't want to. I'd never want to forget how we met, for instance, even if it did end with you trying to kill me."

"Well, that's the best thing to do with lawyers," she murmured, smiling at him. "But you're such a romantic, I think I might let you live a little longer."

"Uh…thanks," said Two-Face, slowly, as Ivy kissed him again.

"Let's go to bed," she murmured. "I'm back in my own body, and it is telling me I've neglected it too long today. And I'm still feeling a little homicidal, and that always puts me in the mood."

"Why are you feeling homicidal?" asked Two-Face. "What exactly did you and Scarecrow do on your date?"

"Oh, you know, killed somebody," sighed Ivy. "Somebody completely unimportant and insignificant who should never have lived as long as he did, and who will not be mourned or missed. But I guess he did do one useful thing with his life after all. He made me."

"You killed your dad?" asked Two-Face. "So he's not J, I'm guessing."

"He is not, thank God," said Ivy. "He was a useless little lawyer called James Rosenberg."

"James Rosenberg?" repeated Two-Face. "I knew that guy when I was just starting out as a lawyer. Acted like a complete saint in the courtroom, but did some really sketchy things both personally and professionally. I remember thinking he was two-faced back when I met him, and now I'm gonna be paranoid that your attraction to me is because of some weird issues you have with your dad."

"Oh, Harvey, don't be stupid," said Ivy. "I didn't even know he was a two-faced lawyer until a couple hours ago. Anyway, like I said to Johnny, you're literally two-faced, but not figuratively. Not anymore, anyway. You're honest and sensitive and completely indecisive without your coin, the exact opposite of my father," she said, reaching into her pocket and handing him his coin back.

"Thank you," sighed Two-Face. "I know Harley was trying to help in her shrink way, but I don't think I'm ready to let go of this just yet. And you don't mind it, do you?"

"No, it's a cute quirk," said Ivy. "I mean, it can get annoying sometimes, but after the day I've had, it's a minor annoyance at best. Being put in somebody else's body and having to suffer their terrible life stuck with an idiot clown for a day really puts things in perspective. Now do you wanna go to bed or not?"

Two-Face flipped his coin. It landed bad side up. "I am right behind you, Pam," he said, following her into the bedroom.

 **The End**


End file.
